One of the most hated individuals in America, Ted "Dracula" Cruz has just been named "The Asshole of The Year" by The US Proctologists Guild. Cruz joins other assholes of the year such as Donald "The Orange Whale" Trump, Ann "Horse Face" Coulter,…
Well ladies and gentleman, it is now official, Donald Jonathan Erasmus Trump, who many are calling the "Teflon Racist" has just informed the news media that he has chosen Guatemala native Sen. Ted Cruz to be his official 2024 presidential election ru…
Vox Populi reporter Tapioca Swizzle has just broken the story that Guatemala-born Sen. Teodorofellio Pancito Juanito "Dracula" Cruz was booked on counterfeiting charges. Cruzy, as his urologist calls him, denies the charges saying that it is all j…
Senator Ted "Dracula" Cruz has been caught playing with himself in a Senate elevator Senator Ted Cruz, who is originally from Guatemala, even though he swears he's from Canada, has found himself in yet another misunderstood situation. In a cand…
SAN FRANCISCO - (Satire News) - The San Francisco Nightly Herald has just revealed some juicy news about Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz's latest lover - and boy, is it spicy! According to the Herald's investigative reporter, Bijou Silhouette, Cruz's new…
Despite it being a communist country, Ted Cruz has bought land in Cuba. A paparazzi photographed Cruz on his knees on his new piece of land, weeping, saying “I’m home, papa, I’m finally home.” Why has Cruz more and more changed his appearance to l…
MAR-A-LAGO, Florida - (Satire News) - Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz told GOPicky Magazine writer Tabitha Wishywater that he would like to be Donald Trump's 2024 presidential campaign running mate. Cruz, who, along with Gov. Greg "Wheelchair Willie" Abbo…
Ted Cruz has lost his beard! Bartenders, waitresses, hookers, coke dealers and cocoanut salesmen in Cancun have been looking for it everywhere. Where was Ted last seen? Which bars and massage parlors did he frequent? Everyone who lives and works…
HOUSTON - (Satire News) - Scandal Today writer Cheyenne Patio states that the most arrogant, sarcastic, jerk in politics, Sen Ted Cruz, cryingly told her that contrary to rampant rumors, he did not beat his 17-year-old daughter Morticia Bruja Cruz wi…
Herschel Walker has achieved so much in his life. He says he was a cop and he was in the military and trained with the FBI, and of course we all know by now he threatened to kill his wife by putting a gun to her head. Every one of his family membe…
WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - Teodoro "El Taquito" Cruz is still regarded as one of the stupidest, most evil, ugiest, hate-spewing SOBs in America. And when he was back living in his native Costa Rica, no one, NO ONE liked the little limp-dic…
WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - One of the most arrogantly sarcastic politicians in Washington D.C. is Ted "Dracula" Cruz. Cruz has been known to scare fourth graders with his evil-sounding space alien voice. Cloud 9 News Agency reporter Lex…
Stephen Colbert said that Ted Cruz looked like a werewolf who got frozen in mid-change. I like jokes as much as the next werewolf, but this is going too far! Yes, Mr. Colbert, you have let the wolf out of the bag by revealing who Ted Cruz really i…
WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - A very reputable west coast magazine has just named Ted "Dracula" Cruz and Josh "Scaredy Cat" Hawley as co-winners of their annual "Limp Wristed, Spineless Punk Award." The Left Coast Mirror Magazine has picked t…
BROOKLYN - (Satire News) - New York Sunshine Observer reporter Carmine Calatino has written a follow up story on the head of Brooklyn's Goombalini Crime Family, Salvatore Goombalini, offering to personally take Teddy "Eddie Munster" Cruz fishing.
HOUSTON - (Satire News) - Two of the most hated men in the state of Texas are Gov. Greg "Wheelchair Willie" Abbott and Sen. Ted "Dracula" Cruz. The Alpha Beta News Agency recently named both GOPunks, "The Two Ugliest Looking Creepy Assholes In The…
TIJUANA, Mexico - (Satire News) - Ted "Dracula" Cruz fled the US once again (with his two semi-cute daughters in tow) to avoid the fierce 158 MPH winds of Hurricane Cinderella. Cruz has a history for tucking his tail between his legs and going dow…
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