In a move that will further inflame diplomatic tensions, President Donald Trump has announced a series of travel and trade restrictions on crews on the International Space Station (ISS).
Trump spoke from the 17th tee at his private golf course in Little Rock, Arkansas, this morning.
"We have to do everything possible to stamp out ISIS. So I'm using my presidential powers to make things tremendously, very, very hard for them. From midnight tonight, only American astronauts and white, Anglo Saxon, English-speaking, God-fearing, extreme right wing visitors with the correct paperwork will be allowed to crew the International Space Station. All others attempting to enter will be turned away and left outside the main module and will have to return to Earth at their own cost."
Trump continued, "And any country that helps any ISIS fighters get to the Space Station will be subjected to some very, very, tremendous trade tariffs,. All this very, very, unfair trade is not helping me make America 'grate' again, and I'm here to protect US astronauts' jobs and stamp out ISIS, who are a bunch of terrible, terrible, terrorists. So, from midnight tonight, all food and supplies to the ISIS Space Station from outside the US will be subject to 1,000% trade tariffs until they stop these unfair practices."
Asked by New York Times Political Editor Rudy McFuckya what the connection between ISIS and the International Space Station was, Trump paused and then responded, "Well they both start with the letters IS and there has to be a connection. It's obvious the Russians are involved here. I've seen a tremendous number of Russians on the Space Station, and where there's Russians, we all know ISIS won't be far away. If I have to, I'll build a wall around it."
Pressed by McFuckya to clarify his new policy, which was confusing to most Americans, Trump became agitated and attacked the reporter. "I know you guys like to print fake lies, and even a few real ones. You're a disgrace to democracy and are probably committing treason, just like everyone who questions or disagrees with me."
Trump stopped the impromptu press conference at that point and went on to putt a birdie on the 18th hole, followed by a Martini in the clubhouse, and a rubdown from his 25-year-old Swedish caddie, Agnetha Gropesson.