The prime minister will personally take charge of the anti-austerity movement, and will be at the forefront of taking down any statues to those who’ve talked about it, thought about it or heard of it, and specifically those statues that haven’t been erected yet.
At an airport press conference to announce his new anti-austerity strategy the PM, stroking his newly-painted Boris Jet said, ‘We are going to paint our way our of this mess. We’ve started with my plane, now all official modes of transport will be bright, cheery and colourful, particularly those boring grey or camouflaged military planes, ships and tanks.'
A massive investment in training for more painters and decorators, even those people who don’t want to be painters and decorators, will be supported by lashings of paint for everyone, and five billion new British paintbrushes.
In an act of solidarity with painters everywhere, many of which have to crouch to do skirting boards, the PM encourages everyone, each Thursday afternoon, to 'take the knee at three with a cuppa tea'.
‘Anything that is associated with the government, and looks austere will be painted,’ said Boris, leaving Downing Street with paintbrush in hand, chasing a worried Jacob Rees-Mogg.
An enthusiastic Boris then began splattering the walls of Number 10. ‘I like that chap Pillock, yeah, Jackson Pillock; like his style. I want to be remembered the same way, yeah, Johnson Pillock, that’s me.’