Poll guru Sir John Curtice makes astounding predictions about next week in Westminster – Jeremy Corbyn will leave his wallet at home and Boris Johnson’s new puppy will shit on the kitchen floor

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Saturday, 4 January 2020

image for Poll guru Sir John Curtice makes astounding predictions about next week in Westminster – Jeremy Corbyn will leave his wallet at home and Boris Johnson’s new puppy will shit on the kitchen floor
Look out, Prime MInister, something wicked this way comes for you on Friday!

Polling expert Sir John Curtice, writing in Mystic Meg’s column in The Sun newspaper today, has warned that next Thursday, lame-duck Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, will leave his wallet at home in a rush to get to work. The damning foretelling is bound to dismay Corbyn’s supporters, some of whom have started a petition to get fate banned. Corbyn is still reeling from an electoral defeat last month, when, as Sir John correctly predicted, he was defeated by Boris Johnson’s Tories by a majority of 80.

However, next week isn’t bright for Johnson either, as the Prophet of Politics predicts that the Prime Minister will come home from a stressful day in the House of Commons on Friday, to find that his new puppy has shat on the kitchen floor at 10 Downing Street. Sir John even predicts “with about 80 – 90% certainty” that the wet mass will be dark brown in colour, and will leave splatter marks on the skirting board.

Sir John is the UK’s top predicter of polls and destinies. He claims to derive his data from sample groups of thousands of people, but some have questioned how a single individual could interrogate so many people. Others have asked how the views of people up and down the country could have any bearing on Corbyn leaving his wallet at home next week or Johnson’s dog’s bowel movements.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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