Toddler savaged by government watchdog

Funny story written by Clive Danton

Saturday, 14 December 2019

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There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night, after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a Government Watchdog that had been left free to roam in a London Park.

The toddler, who hasn't been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored almost half to death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.

The mite was also badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords, who were so pissed on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis, they didn't know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child's mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. "It's every parent's worst nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.

"We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas, but there's just no way now. She's so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4, and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time."

The watchdog's owner Mr B. Johnson, of Westminster, spoke to newsmen last night: "I can't believe this has happened. I've had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry, into minor civil misdemeanours, and it's always been as sweet as a nut.

"I used to let my cabinet ministers go into that committee room and they'd jump on the chairman's back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke, and now this has happened.

"Admittedly there have been a couple of times it had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander the streets off the lead, but, at the end of the day, it was only defending its territory.

"I'm absolutely gutted, to be honest with you. It goes without saying I'll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting."

Last night a police watch was being kept on Mr Johnson's home to prevent repercussions from vigilante neighbours and irate members of the electorate who want to confront him for proposing to scrap capital gains tax on second homeownership.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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