A government source revealed, last night, that every man, woman, and child over the age of 5 living in the north of England will be gifted a whippet dog as a token of gratitude for helping Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, win last week's election with a huge majority.
Whippets are extremely popular with people in the north, with many families owning up to 5 or 6, depending on the size of their dwelling
Unlike ferrets - the other favoured house pet of the northerner - whippets are used primarily for racing, and are not put down the trousers like their smaller counterparts.
By way of contrast, people in London, where the Tory Party were heavily defeated, are to have a tax of 79% imposed on jellied eels - a popular staple among the Cockney community.
Doing the Lambeth Walk dance will be made illegal under new legislation, as will running illicit gambling dens in the West End, and nailing people to billiard tables.