Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 6 December 2018

A number of obscure and secretive positions are going vacant at Buckingham Palace, following the flight of European Union citizens and subsequent loss of cheap labour from the "United" Kingdom. Palace management has been forced to open up its recruitment processes due to the disaster of so-called Brexit.

Young people of today are no longer in thrall to their so-called betters, and recent university graduates prefer, when they can, to seek gainful employment in supermarkets or fast food "restaurants", as many of the palace vacancies are "honorary" or "voluntary" due to royal parsimony. Despite being obsessed with celebrity culture, the younger generation no longer considers that proximity to "royalty" is reward in itself.

The Spoof has had sight of the latest unfilled roles:

Toothpaste Tube Squeezer to the Prince of Wales. Due to his self-importance and indolence, HRH Prince Charles, has over the years, lost the knowledge of how to, and the manual dexterity required to, perform even the most mundane tasks. The squeezer ensures that the Prince's hand-carved Indian ivory-handled horsehair bristle toothbrush is supplied to his Highness in a timely manner and with sufficient toothpaste to cater for his ageing, claret- and port-stained teeth.

Groom of the King’s Close Stool. This unpleasant role was created during the reign of Henry VIII, and has since been reinstated by the Prince of Wales. The holder of this position is required to monitor and assist in the future king’s bowel motions. He and the Toothpaste Tube Squeezer are banned from close contact and, in particular, from shaking hands.

Curator of the Princess Royal's Horsewhips. A purely ceremonial role now, this post was created by the Princess Royal's former husband, Captain Mark Phillips, and required the curator to maintain, and to keep ready to hand, the horsewhips used to keep the captain's recalcitrant wife under control.

Inseminator Royal. A demanding position which requires the holder, a trusted male factotum, to be on constant call to ensure that subservient royal fillies are always serviced when at peak fertility, or are made available when the males feel frisky. One of the less pleasant duties is to act as warm-up man and assistant for the royal entry.

Apologist to the Duke of Edinburgh. Racist, ignorant or just plain stupid? His proclamations over 60 years have become infamous, but finally in old age he has been locked away from encounters with the public. Until Prince Philip's retirement, this was a full-time job, but now the hours are reduced, as apologies are only necessary for historic "gaffes" or insults, as most people would call them. See: Prince Philip's "Gaffes"

Sexual Services Procurer to the Court of St James's. Now almost entirely monopolised by the Duke of York, the male holder of this post procures and provides night time diversion for visiting male dignitaries from a reserve of ladies of the night based in Soho. Competition for this voluntary post is hard-fought as it has its own rewards in kind.

Keeper of the Nazi Regalia. This little-known role was a shameful secret from the 1930s, after the Duke of Windsor abdicated. It was brought to the public's attention in 2005 by Prince Harry, when he wore some of the late Duke's memorabilia for a drunken 'Hooray Henry' party.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more