Written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 22 November 2018

image for The Apprentice Week 206, Record Viewing Figures for The Brothels
Annie and Fanny's "Buy One Get One Free" was a winner

BBC TV's never ending saga The Apprentice struck TV gold this week when a special late night episode for over 18s beat the viewing figures of its failing flagship show Strictly Come Dancing. The nation was tucked up on the sofa in its pyjamas with hot chocolate and issued a collective gasp when Lord Sugar told his junior cast of attention seekers, simpletons, clowns and sexpots "I want you to set up and run high class brothels in London's west end. There will be wealthy corporate clients and you will also serve members of the public. The highest earning team will be given a special treat and for the losing team, at least one of you will be fired."

The competition proved to be one-sided however, due to the uneven gender balance of the teams. Team Testosterone, consisting of two skinny blokes and Polish sultry blonde Iwankya (pronounced Ivanka) found itself at a disadvantage against all-girl team Annie, Fanny and Gertie, who were known as Pneumatic.

As hard as Iwankya worked, non-stop and even catering for two or three customers simultaneously, she couldn't make up for the misgivings of her male colleagues, who seemed reluctant to enter into the spirit of the competition by steadfastly refusing the attentions of "gentlemen callers". Of the two, it was only Rod who managed one sale, to a 50-year-old divorcee from Romford, who demanded her money back due to his "shortcomings". Sadly back in the boardroom both men were fired by Lord Sugar for their lack of commitment.

Annie and Fanny for Team Pneumatic soon hit on a winning formula with their Buy One Get One Free offer which had men coming back on several occasions over the two days of competition while repeat customers were given the services of popular Aussie dirty Gertie as a bonus.

With takings of £11,602.29 against £2,303.99 for an exhausted Iwankya's efforts, it was a walkover or rather a legover for Team Pneumatic. Later back in the house, Annie, Fanny and Gertie decided that this was a business for which they all have undoubted talent and they decided to ditch their existing business plans. When the TV series is over they agreed to invite Iwankya to join them in a new business venture for which they hope to receive Lord Sugar's backing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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