An Unexplained Wealth Order has been served on a 92-year-old matriarch who is at the head of an organised crime syndicate, according to a secret report seen by The Spoof's Crime Editor, Paxton Quigley. The gang's leader goes by the childhood nickname "Lilibet", and she is aided and abetted by her elderly husband, known as "Phil the Greek", and her oldest son and heir, "Black Spider." The organisation operates its nationwide activities from opulent properties in London, Windsor, Norfolk and Aberdeenshire.
The National Crime Agency's director for economic crime, Donald Toon, told The Spoof that while he was unable to comment on specific investigations “Unexplained wealth orders have the potential to significantly reduce the appeal of the UK as a destination for illicit income. They enable the UK to more effectively target the problem of money laundering through prime real estate in London and elsewhere.
“We are determined to use all of the powers available to us to combat the flow of illicit monies into, or through, the UK.”
Allegations levelled against the family members and contained in the heavily redacted report include the following:
- An unproven accusation by a dodgy billionaire of the murder of the oldest son's estranged wife and her lover.
- Kidnapping and false imprisonment of said estranged wife as a 19-year-old prior to forced marriage.
- Exploitation of official and diplomatic connections by the second son to enrich himself.
- The second son's involvement with a teenage call girl.
- A meeting with a well-known conman and liar, known as Donald J Trump.
- Running up unpaid bills by the matriarch’s third son for a failed film and TV production company.
- Nazi connections dating back to the 1930s which one of the matriarch's grandsons proudly displayed in a well circulated photograph.
Investigations are continuing.