Wetherspoon to Stop Selling Champagne and Prosecco

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

image for Wetherspoon to Stop Selling Champagne and Prosecco
"I've stopped selling Prosecco and sacked all my EU staff"

"Frankly, we don't give a toss" was the reaction of France's Champagne industry to the Wetherspoon announcement that the fusty old gits chain of pubs would cease selling Champagne and Prosecco.

Shortly after his recent shock announcement that he was laying off all of his EU workers, JD Wetherspoon’s weirdo chairman Tim Martin, the last living proponent of the mullet, hairstyle of the gods, announced that his licensed premises would no longer sell the EU's favourite sparkling wines.

The pub chain aims to replace the popular Italian fizz with UK or "new world" alternatives in the next year or two and Champagne will no longer be available at Wetherspoon's pubs from next month.

"There will be an inevitable transfer of trade post-Brexit to countries outside the EU," he said "and this should keep the smart arse London intelligentsia out of my pubs, not that they come in anyway."

Wetherspoon, which has 880 pubs, will replace Champagne with sparkling wines from the UK, such as "Wide Open and Legless Bubbly" from Virgin vineyards in Basildon and Harley's "Sparkling Piss" Chardonnay from Australia.

Mademoiselle Francoise Peretti, director of the Champagne Bureau said "It seems to be economically driven, combined with Mr Martin's strong expressed feeling about European products and nobody goes into Wetherspoon's to buy Champagne anyway, so who cares?."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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