Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 2 July 2018

image for Brexit Latest: FA Premier League 2018-19 Season to End Early
Fuck football, I prefer rugger

FA blazers announced today that the 2018-19 Premier League season would be cut short and would end on 29th March 2019 when the United Kingdom leaves the European Union.

This is the result of those football fans who voted en masse to leave the European Union and to expel many of their heroes as EU players and managers will no longer have the automatic right to work in the United Kingdom. Many of them would thenceforth be branded as "immigrant scroungers".

The Spoof has learned of a hitherto secret meeting in Whitehall between David Davis MP who to his surprise is Secretary of State for Exiting the EU, Boris Johnson so-called Foreign Secretary and a delegation of European football superstars including Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku, Paul Pogba, N'Golo Kanté, Mesut Özil and Cesc Fàbregas all of whom have delighted English football fans with their undisputed nimble footwork, skills and tactical awareness. The meeting descended into a shambles.

It was left to the players' and managers' spokesmen to make sense of the situation and they spoke candidly to The Spoof.

First to give an opinion was the special one Jose Mourinho. "This is all about me. I organise teams, I set the tactics and I win matches and trophies and what are we up against? No hopers. No answers. We have a minister who admits he wasn't chosen for his intellect. He obviously has no idea of what his job is about and the other one all he can do is annoy people, tell them to fuck off and talk about prosecco."

Serial winner Sir Alex Ferguson was more pithy in his analysis. "Youse are all fucking idiots."

In the Brexit buffoon strongholds of Sunderland and Grimsby, football fans were seen to be openly rejoicing at the news and branches of JD Wetherspoon were even more crowded than usual. JD Wetherspoon’s weirdo chairman Tim Martin, the last living proponent of the mullet, hairstyle of the gods, was seen to be openly cavorting with the inebriated pensioners and ne'er do wells handing out free pints of Mullet's Rat Arse, Old Dogfarter and Gnatzpisz Pils in celebration.

The Spoof asked for Mr. Martin's valued opinion.

"I don't give a toss about these EU football superstars and neither do the citizens of Sunderland and Grimsby. None of the elite European footballers want to play for their teams and they're not in the Premier League anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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