"Satan Socks" Vicar Banned from Todmorden Pub

Written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

image for "Satan Socks" Vicar Banned from Todmorden Pub
"Just look at the toes". A picture of a stained-glass window, yesterday.

A vicar who believes shoes and socks are "the tools of the Devil" has been turned away from a pub in Todmorden, West Yorkshire, for being barefooted.

Martin Chuzzlewit, 56, landlord of the Splintered Potsherd on Boundary Street, asked the Reverend Arthur Cumulus, Vicar of Todmorden, to leave when he turned up with friends on Easter Sunday.

Mr Cirrus was refused entry to the pub "on health and safety grounds", due to the risk of someone with bare feet getting his feet stuck in the open fire in the Snug Bar and the feet catching fire, and the further risk of treading in the shards of peanuts spilled on the carpet by revellers.

"We once had a man's bare feet catch fire on a Bank Holiday, and on another Bank Holiday someone's pet gibbon got peanuts embedded in the soles of its bare feet. It was just unlucky that Mr Cumulonimbus turned up that particular night", said a spokesperson for The Shattered Sherd on Division Street.

"It's the old health and safety routine", said the Reverend Altoculumus, yesterday. "Peanuts, fire and bare feet are a no-no these days."

The vicar said he always goes barefoot in line with his austere spiritual beliefs but joked that David Copperfield, 58, the landlord of The Slivered Fragment on Parameter Street, "was probably scared of my cloven hooves as well. I used to frighten my school friends with them so it's no surprise.

"If you add to my cloven hooves the fact that we had been to Todmorden Real Ale festival all afternoon and were pissed as farts, then it's no wonder we couldn't get served", added the Reverend Nimbostratus.

"It's a shame though", he continued. "Leaving my cloven hooves to one side, if you look at any stained glass windows, - not actual windows, just pictures of them, mind - if you look at any pictures of stained glass windows, just look at the toes. No-one in Heaven is wearing shoes and socks, so I'm doing my best in trying circumstances."

"It's just one of those things", commented Samuel Pickwick, 57, landlord of The Chipped Particle on Partition Street. "What can you do? You don't want a vicar's cloven hooves to catch fire on Easter Sunday. It's more than my license is worth."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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