Southern Baptists Expel Church For Not Hating Gays

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

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The Southern Baptist Convention voted unanimously to expel a California church that was entirely too friendly to homosexuals.

The New Heart Community Church in La Mirada, California, was "disfellowed" by the Executive Committee which held that New Heart "does not presently meet the definition of a sufficiently gay-bashing church" under the SBC's constitution.

That vote followed a decision by La Mirada pastor Danny Cortez that he could not in good conscience condemn homosexuality or homosexuals. The congregation agreed with him.

Once disfellowshipped, the church members can no longer participate or vote in SBC voting and must wear sackcloth and ashes until they sufficiently despise gays and are reinstated into the Southern Baptist Convention.

Frank S. Page, the president of the Executive Committee said of New Heart that its failure to condemn homosexuality "breaks the heart of God."

Brother Page asked that all Southern Baptists "unfriend" members of New Heart on Facebook and that Baptists living in the La Mirada area should "compose poems praising conversion therapy" and "chant them to the New Heart Community Church members" as they leave their "heretical services."

When asked to comment on the "disfellowing" and proposed chants God said, "My heart is indeed broken, shattered into pieces" as She held Her partner's hand.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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