Wiggins comes clean on his “lost daddy” complex

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Monday, 10 May 2021

image for Wiggins comes clean on his “lost daddy” complex
Reluctant dad Cam and Wiggy chillin'

After years of therapy, Jermaine “Wiggy” Wiggins has made a major breakthrough.

On the Greg Hill morning radio show this morning, Wiggy announced he’s just gone through a life altering change, realizing his fixation for certain NFL players stem from his childhood.

Wiggy was raised by his single mom who was Italian. He never met his father, who was black.

“He was never in the picture.” Wiggy told us with a sad smile. “I always wished he was around, but he wasn’t. That’s it.”

The good news however, is that Wiggy now knows how his thinking and behaviors are impacted by those childhood experiences.

Over the past year, despite all evidence to the contrary, Wiggy has endorsed and supported Cam Newton as the ultimate superstar and potential savior of the New England Patriots fledgling football team. He insisted Newton was THE guy, even after seeing him throw several wildly inaccurate passes over the course of the season.

“I saw what he was he doing” Wiggy admits. “And I can’t explain it but it felt like, in my heart I believed that Cam was the guy. I felt like as long as Cam stuck around, everything would be ok.”

Wiggy even called out Patriots management to give Newton a new mega-contract of $35m, significantly more than Brady ever received.

“I saw the passes and part of me knew it…” Wiggy repeated before stopping suddenly to compose himself.

“I just thank God I found a great therapist, ya know? It’s so important to me to talk sports on the radio! I mean, it’s my career now ya know? How’s it gonna be if I’m talking out of my ass all the time on there?”

With the help of his therapist who wished to remain anonymous, Wiggy realized his reality was skewed. “I’m a grown ass man now ya know, and I’da never thought it still bothered me, but there ya go!”

It was during a session on a Friday afternoon that Wiggy first saw through his confusion. “When [the therapist] kept askin’ me what Cam meant to me – and I was just telling him ‘the guy is a great QB’ but he’d just say ‘that’s not it!’ and he’d ask me again ya know.

“Til I started thinking he was gonna say it was some kind of sexual homo sapien situation going on ya know? But he says ‘NO! Keep going! Then he says to me to close my eyes and picture Cam. So, I did. I saw Cam standin’ at the podium for a post-game press conference. He’s wearing a canary yellow suit and a green suede, wide-brim fedora hat with a floral band and he’s just being Cam ya know! Suddenly, I call out to him ‘Daddy!’ It’s crazy cuz I was just seein’ him in my head but I called to him and I called him ‘Daddy’ right?!! Then [the therapist] says “BULL’s EYE! and he explained it to me…”

Wiggy believes the breakthrough will give his career a real boost. “I’m just happy I can see things a little more clearly now” he says with a new confidence, “because when you talk sports on the radio, you gotta be seen as someone who knows their stuff.”

When contacted, Cam Newton was reluctant to comment, at first saying only “That shit’s flakey man…” Then after asking some questions for clarification, he added “…the dude’s almost as old as my father man. What the [expletive]!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more