(NOT EDITED) DALLAS – (Sports Satire) – At the end of the last NFL season, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones promised his Cowboy fans that he would do whatever it takes to improve his team.
Jones, told Hiawatha Pamplona, with Sports Territory Magazine that he hired a highly reputable sports consulting firm from Dubai, India, to study the situation and give him some suggestions.
The firm spent 8 weeks studying every aspect of the Cowboys team from their choice of condoms to their religious beliefs. They even studied the types of beer each player drinks, and if when he goes shopping at the supermarket if he asks for paper or plastic (bags).
They finally reached their decision. Jerry was told that there is really no problem with the team. The offense, the defense, the special teams, and even the guy that is in charge of providing the Gatorade are all doing a good job.
Jones was then shocked, when he was told that the problem lies solely with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
The result showed that the little old gals, just ain’t rah-rahing like they should be.
The firm said that on a scale of 1 to 10, their energy level is barely at a 1.8.
They noted that a hibernating Wyoming bear, has more spirit than the “Cowgals” do.
So Jones called a meeting and told the entire 32-member cheerleading squad that they were all being fired immediately. Screams, yells, and shouts rang out in the parking lot. One girl tried to slash her wrist with a lipstick case.
Another began hitting her head with a box of tampons, and another tried to bite her breast (?).
One even jumped toward Jerry Jones in a threatening manner, but she was quickly pepper-sprayed by Mrs. Jerry Jones.
Security was called and all the girls were hauled off the property.
Meanwhile, Jerry has put out the word that any girls wishing to apply to be Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders for the 2021-2022 season, can call him toll-free at 1-000-555-YELL.