China invents new method of capital punishment
Not only does it save energy, but it provides food for the table. And it's done in a flash...
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Autopsy of Michael Jackson reveals wonders
According to Doctors, Michael had a heart of gold, the mind of a child, and no stomach for this world.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
China defaults on all financial instruments and deeds, restoring communism
Students lead the revolution, burning Ronald McDonald in effigy.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Prankster Gaillard Having Fun
Mars Rover sends back photos of huge frog footprints. "It is that French prankster Remi Gaillard", says NASA spokesman. "Pay it no mind."
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Former Friends of MacKenzie Philips....
...are reconsidering the times she used to complain, "My dad is always on my ass!"
written by Mr. Staypuf, 01 October 2009
Need A Wiper Here!
According to "Buggy & Driver Magazine", the leader of a national Amish/Mennonite Group have approved clear shield to block horse farts.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
"Trick Or Arrrrhhh!"
Man who fell out of tree top while trying to place a full size Freddy Krueger doll up there for Halloween now looks like him.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Always Was A Big Shot
Terrell Owens drops pistol from his pants ten yards into fifty-yard winning touchdown run!
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Worse Than The Taliban
British woman breaks 13 different council laws by throwing trash bag box away in trash bag that came in box.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Kiss My A.S.S.
According to sources inside the FBI and the CIA, the GOP is planning to take on the AARP over SS payments. Everybody got that? Would you explain it to me? I might be in there somewhere.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
It May Take Awhile
FEMA finally arrives to help those who had huge ice storm last winter, bury Michael Jackson.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
"How's The Insurance, General?"
President Obama admits he has only spoken to the U.S. chief commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months, and that was about health care.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
It's A Diet Or All New Clothes
Fed Chairman Bernanke says the recession may be bottoming out as sales of many clothes makers up after letting out the bottoms of their pants for more comfort.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Wham! Oh!
Whamo Toys recall Kiddies First Hammocks For 5-Year-Olds after several injuries. CEO says they failed to notice that many American 5-year-olds weigh over 100 pounds.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Darwin Proved Himself Wrong
Even though Charles Darwin is thought to be the founder of evolution, he didn't believe in it according to friend's diary. "If true, my mother-in-law would still be a three-toed sloth."
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Smell Still In Clothes
In a new study, half of all workers at chicken processing plants have become vegetarians.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Maybe He's Building A Little Shithouse
A chimpanzee at the San Diego Zoo has amazed keepers as he plans attacks in advance by storing up piles of shit.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Maybe He Just Collects The Colors
A chimpanzee at the San Diego Zoo has amazed keepers as he plans attacks in advance by storing up piles of shit.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Another 3AM Call To W.H.
Three AM call to White House brings singing Obama and mother-in-law's ranting about the sins of beer-drinking in the background.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Airport Prejudice
Dallas, Texas man says airport has it in for him even though he has nothing to hide. "I'm always completely naked", says John Long.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Used Police Sketch Artist
An ancient ape-like creature that may be a direct ancestor to our species has been described by researchers, after finding piece of tailbone.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Cheney Draws The Curse Of Punxsutawney Phil!
Punxsutawney Phil comes out on the wrong day. Sees Dick Cheney's shadow & flees but shot in the ass as he hurries back into hole. Predicts 6 more weeks of heart attacks while keeper pulls out pellets.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Obamacare Supporters Down
President Obama's health care package fast losing support of the nation's healthy.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Smokey Set Fires
Smokey The Bear confesses to contributing to California forest fires. "They were intended for backfires but they backfired on me."
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Gift
Anyone who wants a love starved homosexual monkey for Christmas may apply to the Tibetan government in exile in Dharmasala, India.
written by unknown
Military Gets Shots
Military to get mandatory swine flu shots soon. Grunts told to begin lining up! Police Pigs are next!
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Ringo Never Existed
Iran Leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies the existence of Ringo Starr! "Have you seen him since Arafat died?", he asks.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Tabloid Follows Brown
Instead of replying to charges, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been accused of getting a tan, in The Sun.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Out Later This Year
The man who wrote many of the speeches for President George W. Bush is now working on his memoirs. The book will be called, "P Is For Pet Goats".
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Better Get Moving
Christmas cards will only arrive on time if they are sent in the next two days, warn striking postal workers. Packages might make it by February, 2010.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
British Broadband Lacking
Britain's broadband networks are lagging behind most European neighbors including Bulgaria and Latvia in terms of quality, but ahead of some districts of the Congo, a study said today.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Giant Candy Store
In Dubai, giant candy store to open in gigantic mall helping to build gigantic kids, adults with sweet tooth.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Double Hand Transplant Home
Double hand transplant patient is now out of the hospital. Says he's beginning to FEEL a lot better.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
EPA Not Fast Enough
The EPA moves to regulate smokestack greenhouse gases, but not before Neil Young comes out with, "Smokehouse Greenhouse Gases, What A Killer!"
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Cisco Buys Tandberg
Cisco agrees to buy Norway's Tandberg for $3 Billion. Pauncho says he couldn't go that high but they are still friends. "Ah, Cisco/ Ah, Pauncho!"
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
That Sounded Like Gunfire!
Supreme Court takes a fresh look at handguns. Suddenly announce that two more replacements will need to be nominated.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
It's Coming!
Several Health care bills may hit the House, Senate floor, Fan by the middle of October.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Police Use Acoustics
Police use acoustic warfare to disperse crowds. Thus far, the favorite is The Maker by Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Lots Of Hurling Going On
Turkey: student protester hurls shoe at IMF chief. Greece: student protester hurls turkey at IMF chief. Poland: big student hurls IMF chief towards door with shoe!
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
But We'll All Be Like Al Gore
Clock turned back on aging muscles, researchers claim. "A sort of Viagra-type pill for the rest of the body foreseen.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Early Census Mixed
Census stats in early stage in most states reflect the good, the bad, the ugly.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Comic Pleads Guilty
Comic Artie Lange pleads guilty to DUI in New Jersey. Asks how can you breath this air and not be polluted?
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
On The Rebound?
Economy sends numerous signals of rebound. But it's not a slam-dunk by any means.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Though Chinese Pollute More?
For some, the US remains the villain at UN climate talks, pretty much everything else.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Stop To Drivers Texting?
Stop sign ahead for texting while driving. The problem is, will anyone see the sign while texting?
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Loan Applications Denied
Report: 1 in 3 loan applications denied. Once again, only those who can prove they don't need the loan get one.
written by Bureau, 01 October 2009
Obimba thrusts his stimulus package into red light zone
Now you will need a bigger car to make a red light change to green.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Reading books online now illegal
Only pictures are allowed, and some easy words. Ideas are limited to two sentences each. Uh.. sorry.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Congress reforms bankruptcy law again
This time, unfortunately, you don't get to keep any rope. You can still jump off a bridge, however.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
FDA Recalls Aspartame Laden Products
The military needs them in Afghanistan.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
World begins big unplugging
Wanting to get in on the ground floor of the new death panels, many people are unplugging granny now, hoping she will be fodder for the panels soon.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Radioactive cat traps now sterilizing cats nationwide
The cats are lowering utility bill for everyone. Not only do they not have kittens, but they glow in the dark!
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
White House rides the f-word bandwagon
The details are shocking, but profanity is now part of the executive arsenal.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Kayne West tells Jenny Slate she should get a job flipping burgers
For the shocking resolution, wait till tomorrow's story. Hint: jackass.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Michael Jackson still very popular
My story about him is getting read more often that my story about killer guinea pigs, by a narrow margin of course.
Michael is truly great. At least, compared to a killer guinea pig.
written by Aspartame Boy, 01 October 2009
Public Flogging
Obama administration has proposed public flogging for anyone caught smoking or watching the FOX News Channel. In the case of doing both acts at the same time, the number of lashes will be tripled!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
Good News, Bad News
Bad news: Swine Flu virus found in US Senate & House Chambers, causing shutdown of legislative deliberations to avoid illness of members. Good news: billions & billions of taxpayer dollars saved!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
New binary books for programmers
Online binary editions of classics may soon be accessed via the Binary Project website. Current titles include '00111100 000' and '11000100010' by Jane Austen.
written by Nate John Won, 01 October 2009
Breaking News about the Web
Al Gore finally admitted he did not invent the Internet! The Internet resulted from the work of Leonard Kleinrock, J.C.R. Licklider, Larry G. Roberts, Bob Kahn and Vint Cerf, Radia Perlman, etal.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
It's All About Genes
A missing Gene CS-1 in Dem. far left liberals is called common sense. A Gene CT-1 present in far right wing Rep. is called conspiracy theory. Mixing the two is like combining matter and anti-matter.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
Discussion Liberal Style
Liberals invited Glenn Beck to speak about his conservative views on various issues. Police were amazed how quiet the auditorium was, until they noticed ear muffs were being given out on entering.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
I Don't Get any Respect
Pretender President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran wants respect from the West, but trashes every country that does not agree with his policies. Sounds like the Democratic far left liberals in the USA.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 October 2009
Panic in BBC Newsrooms
The Big Ben clock-tower is shrinking. "It's a common feature of Westminster towers," says expert, and is associated with age. By 2015, we will have a Medium Ben."
written by Nate John Won, 01 October 2009
Delicate dialect
New sets of English dialect GCSEs to be introduced to schools in the UK. West-Country, Geordie, Cockney and Brummie initially offered.
written by Nate John Won, 01 October 2009
Knitting noodles
A UK grandma was presented with the 'Good Household' twin knitting and spaghetti-craft awards today, by creating the world's first edible cardigan.
written by Nate John Won, 01 October 2009
