Pay Peanuts Get Monkeys!
The "Teen (Mosquito) Buzz" created to prevent teenage crime is been used by school kids to drive their teachers nuts! When asked about the threat Ed Balls said "most of our teachers are nuts anyway!"
written by Amdy Wilson, 05 October 2009
Owls lose their cool
Several reports have been made this week, regarding the terrorising behaviour of rogue owls in the East England Woodlands. The problems began when the stoats won the Woodland wisdom championship cup.
Urban jungle - Tarzan moves to town
The famous Lord Greystoke moved to his Camden London residence this week. However, there were several reports regarding the disappearance of pets every time Greystoke uses his famous jungle call.
Treasure buried for future generations
A new government initiative was revealed today - over the last year, several secret batches of crystal and gold were buried around England. 'We need to think ahead,' said a Blue-party member.
Vowel infection at city restaurant
London's famous EAT IT bistro has temporarily closed,
following the discovery of a rampant strain of Vowel virus VV-IB. Several customers were served soap instead of soup, and coke instead of cake.
No Rosie Garden
Suicide Bomber sues radical muslim clergy over 72 virgins as he says they all look like Rosie O'Donnell and point at his small penis and laugh.
Judge Among Judges
The trial of a former US judge accused of having sex with male inmates, and maybe a judge or two, in exchange for leniency is set to start in Mobile, Alabama & end running naked along Pensacola Beach!
Egypt Bans Full Veils
Egypt's highest Muslim authority has said he will issue a religious edict against the growing trend for full women's veils, known as the niqab. Reason: Too many men sneaking into women's bathrooms.
He's Lost His Mime!
The London Times has reported that so many town mimes have been out of work lately that they are now competing as Village Idiots.
Hillary Has Early 2010 Mission
After discovering that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be going around the world early next year to visit over 20 countries, Bill tells President Obama, "good luck! She never did it for me!"
The Gabor Brothers
Ina new book from one who's father was once married to one of the Gabor sisters tells the story they tried to hide about their idiot brothers, Gomer and Goober Gabor.
Al Gore joins with Michael Moore in next movie to show how rancid air coming from Taco Belle is causing a hole in the earth's pants.
"He Says He Misses You Too"
Lady who convinced battle-injured old soldiers that she could bring them into contact with their ghost-penis arrested in New Orleans.
Al Gore Flipping Out
Al Gore cracks and casts himself upon the side of stray floating "iceberg" which turns out to be a great white whale!
Strikers Could Face Hard Landing
Officials in Orlando, Florida described as tense after tightrope artists at Barnum & Bailey, Ringling Brothers Circus walk off job.
Police Were Laying For Him
Jack the Ripper finally tuns himself in to police in White Chapel district as Jack confesses to ripping off some 10,000 mattress tags.
We'd Be Bankrupt Without Them
Crispy Creme Donuts contributes over $250,000 to nationwide fundraiser, the Policeman's Ball!
Sotomayor's Cat Already Affecting Supreme Court
In a landmark decision, the supreme court ruled today that dogs and cats who have been friends for years may marry but only on the Day of the Blessing of the Animals, in October.
Obamas To Fly Over Disaster Area
Today President and Michelle Obama will fly over Chicago and view the damage left there after they received the news that the 2016 Olympics will not be held in Chicago.
Names and addresses of online hackers appear online by a different group of hackers, who's names and addresses appeared online yesterday.
Hand Bitten Reaching Across The Aisle
Temperary Senate bill passes that will keep the nation from falling into anarchy and madness for the next six months, over opposition of GOP Senators who say they are lying!
McCain Still Getting Bouquets
President keeps sending John McCain bouquets each week with "Better Luck Next Time" even though McCain has began giving them to secretaries. "He's just wanting me to run again", says Senator.
President Obama worries after testing a countdown to a missile launch gets transferred to operators in India.
News from Las Vegas is that several casinos have once again bailed out some of their highest rollers who have lost in the past with an extension of credit, this time up to $20,000.
Quite A Sight
Lots of migrating birds, one huge ice shelf spotted heading south for the winter.
Letterman, Ladies Attend China Celebration
Overheard at China's Anniversary Celebration: "I see Letterman is here visiting with a couple of his recently promoted ladies on his staff."
Regis Corrects Archaelologists
Archaeologists in Ethiopia discovered a 4.4-million-year-old skeleton & they're calling her "Ardi." However, Regis claims her name was actually "Booba" and she got around really well for her age.
No Chi-Town Olympics
Chicago fails to get 2016 Olympics despite Oprah, Obama, Michelle visits. Cubs curse of not winning in over 100 years said to be determining factor.
New Health Bill In The Works
U.S. Democrat leader faces tough job in grafting new health bill.....In CRAFTING new health bill.
Census Takes In Autistic Adults
For the First Time, a Census of Autistic Adults. For each of their worlds, there is a total of one.
Candy Leads To Crime
Eating Candy in Childhood Linked to Adult Crime! That's why we have come up with such terms as "nose candy", "goodies", etc.
3 Americans Win Nobel Prize For Medicine
Three Americans share 2009 Nobel medicine prize. Each will get one-third of the prize money, one-third of each year bust of Nobel will stay in each winner's house.
Supreme Court begins new term with new justice. "We've decided to throw out all the old laws, etc. and get a fresh start", says Chief Justice Roberts.
Siamese twins joined at the penis still arguing over who gets what from the nine inches.
One Of Those Days
Orlando, Florida man hit by lightning manages to crawl off golf course and fall across electric fence before body was discovered.
Romantic fiance has "Will you marry me and become the light of my life?" in the sky before plane crashes from lack of fuel.
A Thousands Cuts
Man who wore red suit into San Francisco China Shop admits that it wasn't one of his or the bull's better days.
Clowns In Space!
Circus tycoon clowns around aboard space station. Two others upset after being squirted with recycled piss.
Prehistoric site found near UK's Stonehenge as the bones of giants are unearthed.
Talks With Iran Progress
White House sees progress from talks with Iran as no shoes have flown through the air yet.
Stinking Bison Meat
Town gets rid of 44 tons of stinking bison meat as the Buffalo Bills are told to go play football elsewhere.
Government Doing Heckava Job!
Waves of new fund cuts imperil US nursing homes. Which is a fine example of what happens when the government messes with America's health care.
Some Jobs Going Begging
Even as layoffs persist, some good jobs go begging. Such as that spot on the street to the right of Tiffanys in New York City.