Still The Same!- Bob Seger
Harassed by the paparazzi, Susan Boyle dons Groucho Marx disguise but nose, eyebrows and mustache show through.
Limbaugh Invited To Come Listen
New York University has invited Rush Limbaugh to come before their student body, shut his yap and listen to the wisdom of Ahmadinejad!
Ruth Speaks Up
Ruth Madoff finally breaks her silence, wind: Bernie has changed quite a bit while in prison. (poot!)
Madoff Learning While In Prison!
Bernie Madoff says that since he has been in prison, "The lard has given me a hole new outlook on life and I can sympathize with the poor people that are on the bottom!"
White House Chatter
Michelle's mother says Obama takes work to bed with him. "I've heard him going over that "stimulus Package" with my daughter 2-3 nights a week."
I Thought So!
After being questioned about the reason Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize all weekend, spokesman finally admits, "It was the way he got that professor and cop together."
Brown Sick Of Yobs!
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown says that since he has been Britain's leader, he's became sick to death of hearing yobs yelling, "Brown is a hole in the arse", the little shits.
Walsh admits being knob jockey
Pervert Louis Walsh today admitted his hormones had skewed his thinking on the X Factor, I had to keep John and Edward he wheezed, otherwise there wouldn't have been enough cocks in the competition !
written by Ulver, 11 October 2009
News out of the caves of Afghanistan/Pakistan is that Osama Bin Laden may have died from the goat flu. Legless sheik says he tried to warn him.
Obama To Return Award?
News today is that Barack Obama may have to return his Nobel Peace Prize after the discovery that Michelle's ancesters once owned a slave.
Frank: March Misses Mark
Barney Frank says DC gay rights march misses mark. Also, Jim, Ronnie, Big Roy and the Pudd Twins.
Chinese Dissidents Let Down
Chinese dissidents say President Obama has let them down. Take his Nobel Prize and place it where the sun don't shine.
Polanski Feels Depressed
Director Polanski feels depressed in jail; Lawyer worried about state of mind, penis.
The Happy Organ
Study proves that Dave "Baby" Cortez was not a baby when he had the hit song, "The Happy Organ". Actually, he was a 56-year-old flasher.
MI5 Warns Cellphone Users
Guy running away from attacker mistakenly dials 666 on his phone and both disappear in a cloud of brimstone!
At Least He Flied Happy
Before Cheyenne nursing home officials can confiscate them, son of chief slips dying father some peyote buttons. Guards knocked down as old chief flies out room's opened window.
Lad Returned To Mother Safely
Kid who ran away from Chicago Grade School caught and returned home. He has told police and his mother that the teacher was going to give a pop quiz and he didn't know where or who his pop was.
Don't Even Have To Ask!
New titles given to Red/Blue states for. Now, Limbaugh Urinal Cake, Toilet Paper/ Pelosi Urinal Cake, Toilet Paper States.
FBI Reports Lots Of Chatter In Central Park.
Lady squirrel is told by her husband that he's sick and tired of going out busting his nuts every day. Gets an earful about being tied to this ***** tree all day!
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied, the beauty of the place had struck him.
Still Think They Were Right
All the major U.S. polls still say the presidential race would have been decided by the undecided voters, had they bothered to vote.
Man Discovers Truth about David Cameron... And Gordon Brown
A man walking through a Notting Hill Cemetery found on a gravestone here lies David Cameron. On the next row he found another stone which read here lies Gordon Brown.
"Smile, Though Your Heart Is Breaking"
South Korean Scientist Ben Wah Balls announced this morning that they have cloned the world's first "happy all the time" female.
Newsagents warn Labour Party
Newsagents threaten to boycott Labour at the next general election if laws ban them from openly displaying cigarettes. However, the ugly truth is that the Conservative party want to do the same.
ACORN Going For Nuts
ACORN now accused of signing up people from mental hospitals to vote as group gets nuttier by the day.
"How Does It Feel?"-Dylan
In an updated report from Forbes Magazines "500 Richest Americans" they have lost nearly 125 billion over the past year. "Now they'll know how we lesser millionaires have to live", say #1098
Some Runways Temperarily Closed
Chicago's O'Hare Airport reports first case of luggage arriving just before plane lands. Will offer full refunds. Big rummage sale later in the week.
Weathermen Back To Stone age
Weather Channel to go back to rock after missing hurricane season again. Rock wet: Rain, Hot: Sunny, Cold: Lower Temps, Gone: Tornado, White: Birds.
Cowboys Over Chiefs
Dallas Cowboys defeat Kansas City Chiefs in overtime after official become first ever to wear out flag, ending up throwing his shoe on penalties.
Tonight On The Gay Channel
Tonight on the Gay Channel, Bob and Larry are on stakeout when Larry's wife calls to say she's leaving him for Margaret, on "The Straights Of San Francisco".
The View From Up Here
Santa and Mrs Claus, elves spotted by the Hubble Telescope, throwing frisbee to reindeer, sun bathing.
Mistake, But We'll Have To Live With It!
Voters on Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize say they thought presenter said "Pissed" prize. He's certainly looked pissed lately over not being able to pass that health care bill", states one.
Has To Come And Get It!
Republicans stopped in mid-Criticism as Sarah Palin wins Nobel Peace Prize For Best Book Reading While Getting A Tan!
Sounds Like A Fun Group
Bob Dole announces that Bob Dole may run for president in 2012 as an independent, organizes the Full-Erection Bull Moose Party!
Choirmaster Changes Children's Holiday Song
Children's choir leader, after hearing that Obama didn't want Christian items on the National Christmas Tree, changes words for their visit to White House to "The First Nobel".
Obama's First Reaction
Michelle's mother says that President Obama's first words after finding out he had won the Nobel Peace Prize was: "Whatever they're drinking, I want some of that for the beer conferences."
Hut Wins Piece Prize
Pizza Hut's new Chicago-style pizza with everything on it wins the Nobel Piece Prize for Tastefulness.
Still Another Proof
Protester at Obama speech says Obama is not American. "Did you notice that when he threw out the first pitch on opening day, he first started to toss it underhand? No, he was not born here!"
What An Improvement!
New aluminum siding on old run down shack makes salesman's clothes look brand new!
Massive Church Growth As Councils Ban Singing
Three London councils think it is trendy to ban singing in a Christian churches in case it offends Muslims. However, the Quaker church has seen a 400% increase in their congregations in recent months.
Halo Appears over Moscow -- Pope Annoyed
As a Halo emerged from the clouds over Moscow, the Russian Orthodox church claim that God is pleased with them. Hence the sign. The Pope, however, claims that it is a "common atmospheric phenomena".
Gay Boyzone singer "Stepehen GAYtely" dies in Mallorca, the chains around his neck were too tight!
A Gay ex-Boyzone singer is dead! Found in a Mallorcan hotel with chains around his neck, bonded, gagged and handcuffed, the Spanish police are suspecting, kinky, Gay Sex as the reason, never!!!
written by Jaggedone, 11 October 2009
Abandoned space clown floating in orbit, ACHTUNG a Biohazard!
Billionaire space clown, Guy Laliberte, has been booted out of the ISS, fellow astronauts thought he certainly wasn't funny, passing UFO's and aliens neither!
written by Jaggedone, 11 October 2009
Some Sexy Cartoons
Hot Marge Simpson makes the cover of Playboy. Popeye's before/after spinach makes it to three-page centerfold.
Exactly Who Is Doing Census?
Teachers' fury over Big Brother census that even asks them what car they drive, their mother's maiden name.
Rolling Strikes Near
Unions plan ten days of rolling strikes that could leave Royal Mail facing backlog of 100m letters. Customers say they will mail two copies of everything.
Hospital Denies Performing Surgery
Grandmother, 72, has leg amputated after hospital wrongly diagnoses cancer in arm.
Liquid Allowed Aboard
EU to end airline ban on liquids in carry-on bags. "A little shot of whiskey can help while waiting two hours for take off", states one stewardess.
Maine Foliage Out!
Best Maine foliage is in the mountains, especially in the trees in the mountains, according to report.
Civil War Dead Honored
Unknown Civil War soldier reburied in Tennessee. Will be reburied next in Virginia in 2015 as a memorial to those lost in the war.
Joint Drill Cancelled
Israel: Turkey calls off joint air force drill after becoming afraid that they would get too high.
We're All Irish!
IRA splinter group to renounce violence in Ireland after friendly pastor removes the splinter.
The Great Recession?
The Great Recession: The numbahs tell da story, says hip CPA, Leonard Abacus.
Professor Warned School Officials
A UCLA professor said he told a university administrator 10 months ago of his concerns about the mental health of a student who attacked another student last week, "after he rubbed glue on my head."
Turks, Armenians Still Talking
Turkey: Armenia must withdraw from Nagorno-Karabakh. Armenia: Turks must withdraw from Armangroth-Heebie Jeebi. "We can make up place names also."
Mayan Not Happen
2012 isn't the end of the world, Mayans insist. "I doubt if we'll make it that long", stated one leader.
Terrorist Still A Threat
Clinton: Terrorists are an increasing threat to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, America,....themselves, I guess. I still remember that Bosnian thing.
Gays Still Upset with Obama
Gays and lesbians question Obama 'don't ask, don't tail' pledge at his speech Saturday night. "Why doesn't he question Iran on WHY 'there are no gays' there?"
Radio Station Screws Up
Radio station's Two-For-Tuesday ruined when someone plays "They're Coming To Take Me Away" by Napoleon XIV, one-hit wonder!
Martha Stewart Finally Breaks
A tearful Martha Stewart finally broke down on Oprah Friday and stated that she was actually served red wine with her fish while she was in prison.
Hope For Swine Flu
In Chicago, doctors say that the sudden flareup of Olympic fever died out even quicker than it began.
Tough Times Everywhere
929 gallons of moonshine found in NC mountains...smallest amount since 1810.
Earliest Snow In Chi-town?
Snow on Sunday! Would be earliest measurable in Chicago. Al Gore on 24-hour suicide watch.
Castro Approves Nobel Prize Winner
Fidel Castro calls President Obama's Nobel Prize "positive measure, orange and green sandwiches."