To help stimulate the ailing economy , Vice President Biden's wife is selling oral for two dollars: she'll give you. Biden is having his anus enlarged to compete.
written by bartolomeo7, 12 October 2009
Dora Reports On Old Folk's Home
Dora the Explorer says Cartoon Old Folks Home a shambles and has reported it to three national TV Networks. "Ever since the e.coli spinach thing, the staff have referred to Popeye as "The Soiler Man".
Survey: Most leading economists see recovery beginning after big woolie worm roundup! "Corn has thick shucks too", says spokesman.
LA Seeking Transient
Los Angeles County detectives seek transient in fire probe after 300 confess in turn for a free meal, clean jail uniforms.
Ostrom Wins Nobel
Elinor Ostrom became the first woman to win a Nobel Prize in home economics after house husbands dominate for over 40 years.
Obama, Fidel Talks?
President Obama says that he may visit Fidel Castro next month and talk about the future of our countries, but Fidel had told him that Raul is in one of his snits and isn't even speaking to him.
Fashion Designer Warns
A leading New York fashion designer has warned that if hemlines get any shorter, women will be afraid to sit down and men will be afraid to stand up.
written by IN SEINE, 12 October 2009
Taliban Better Financed
Treasury Dept: Taliban better financed than al-Qaida, own five times as many goats.
Energy Crisis Averted!
Energy crisis is postponed as new gas rescues the world and Taco Bell wins a Special Nobel Prize from committee in Oslo.
Greenpeace activists clamber on to side of Houses of Parliament in climate change protest remindful of Ahab alongside Moby Dick.
Just The Same, They Are Still Mad
Non-sports enthusiast finally claims that basketball's March Madness elimination games could make sense. "There's a method to their madness", states Ferd Feebleblister III.
Apparently He Doesn't Like President
Sean Hannity admits he wouldn't care if the whole planet would explode into smithereens, "Just so long as we knew in the next world that it was Obama's fault!"
That Time of the Month for Microsoft
Microsoft are due to release their monthly fix tomorrow -- it has announced that it will be the biggest one by far!
written by IN SEINE, 12 October 2009
US Showing Some Missile...Muscle!
After hitting the moon with a missile last week the US say they may have to blow up Iran's nukes, send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan and break up that big ring around Saturn.
Scientists going back over statistics on monkeys in a room with typewriters as it was discovered that Shakespeare also threw shit while he was writing.
"If You'll Pardon Me!"
After discovering that "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" being played for days brought better results than water boarding, Army has trouble keeping guards because of Gitmo inmates constantly singing song.
Dolly Doing Better
Authorities in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee say that Dolly Parton was rushed to the Sevier County Hospital this morning for emergency breast reduction after she couldn't get up out of bed.
Historians surprised surprised at old records discovered that showed Billy The Kid's actually middle name was "The", William The Bonney, short for dad's Theodore.
Angela Merkel has been re-elected as German Chancellor. Gordon Brown offered his congratulations and said one day he hopes to be elected, too.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
A South African man who married four wives together says he intends to spread himself in four separate homes. Much like his wives, then.
Knife crime stats
Doctors must now report both knife and gun injuries. Senior police chiefs are doubly pleased with the ruling as there's still no space on the forms for truncheons and tasers.
Obama Moves To Help Economy
President Obama orders all state's national guard units to drive people from their homes to a shopping center!
Nigeria Sets The Example For Nkorea, Iran
Nigeria agrees to stop their nuclear build-up if UN agrees to pay them $10 Million, promise to allow in inspectors.
Fuel Prices Causing Some To Blubber!
Because of higher than ever fuel prices, blubber returns to grocery store shelves after 90 year absence.
Big Drop On Wall Street
After 27th business bailout by congress, Wall Street changes it's name to "Easy Street".
Family Fight's Late Admiral's Request In Court
Late retired Admiral's request in his will that he be "moth-balled" upon his death being fought in court by his family.
Cheney Has A Mild One!
Dick Cheney suffers from mild heart attack. "I gotta quit watching those guys getting hit in the balls videos" laughed the former VP.
More Gas Taxes?
Drivers should be forced to pay per mile to save the planet, finds climate watchdog, just before being flattened by seventeen automobiles.
Better Hurry Before Holidays
Retailers warn they may sell out of must-have gifts and gadgets weeks before Christmas. "We're already low on fruitcakes, Chinese handcuffs and kaleidoscopes", sales one retail giant.
Mobster's Cut Loan Rates
Lending up 29% on last year as mobsters lower loan rates to 30% with a "no-kneecap bashing" clause. Still must sign name on wet cement in big tub.
Now It's The Food Scrap Fine
£1,000 fine for putting any food scraps in the dustbin as 'zero waste' policy could lead up to five-bin headache, jokers dropping one chip into each bin on the streets.
The Disability Polka!
Britain's Got Talent's breakdancing pensioner ordered to pay back £3,000 he received in disability allowance! Explains that he was on a lot of pain pills!
Cleaning Up (Hee Hee) Politics! Snort!
'It's time to clean up politics': Brown tells MPs they must repay expense claims! (loud laughter) 'No, I'm serious!' (Even more laughter with one shout of Stop It! Stop It! My sides are splitting!)
"I'm Sorry...I'm Sorry!"
Jacqui Smith ordered to apologise over £116,000 second home expenses, but she WON'T have to pay it back. Apologizes to start with every single person in London.
Better In A Few Day
Harry Potter film star Daniel Radcliffe pulls a grown muscle over the weekend.
Make Asses Of Themselves
Donkeys get dye-job, take on zebra role in "Life Behind Bars, The Reality Zoo Show"
Marge Really Large
Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy, Chester The Molester makes cover on Hustler!
Be Could Play Anything!
Bluesman who recorded under the names of Freddy Robinson, John Belushi, dies.
Kanye Avoids Prison
T.I. wins BET awards from prison; Kanye a no-show. "Beyonce made a great video but forget that going to prison shit."
Swine Flu In ICU!
Swine flu put many hospitalized patients into ICU. "It was very sloppily handled states one.
Taken To Hospital In Small Car
Russian spacecraft with circus clown tycoon lands safely into huge net!
Schwarzenegger Taking The Piss?
Schwarzenegger calls session to discuss water deal. Can huge "Piss to water" machine bail out California water shortages?
Gay Marchers In DC
Gay rights marchers in DC: 'We won't back down'! It's Brokeback Time for Obama!
Pennant Bring Highest Price Yet
Rodriguez, $750 Million Dollars and Posada power Yankees back to the ALCS!
New Jackson Single
A new Michael Jackson single, "I'm Dead" debuts this week online.
NKorea Launches Short Missiles
Report: North Korea fires 2 short-range missiles. Actually, according to the CIA, they were long-range Dong missiles that petered out.
US Backing Troops As Usual
Weapons failed US troops during Afghan firefight as powder for muskets furnished by US government somehow got moisture in it.
Still Housing Risks Out There
Housing risks still lurk even as buyers return, as illegal squatters being hauled out of attics, crawl spaces.
Insurerers Vs. Obama
Insurers mount attack against health reform. Michelle's mother being held hostage! Obama: Doesn't bother me one bit!
But A Lot Fewer People
2012 isn't the end of the world, Mayans insist. "Just the end of the way we know it"
More Nobel Winners
Americans Ostrom, Williamson and Britain's Ebenezer Scrooge win Nobel economics.
Fat kids say they don't want surgery!
They want more chocolate cake and buckets of lard instead.
written by Frank Miller, 12 October 2009
Bernanke: Depression Is Over!
Treasury Secretary Bernanke: The depression is finally over. I feel better now. Oh, the nation? Going to hell in a hand basket!
Paying His Debt To Society
Bernie Madoff gets 30 years knocked off his sentence after swindling China out of $500 Million of US debt.
Obama Changes Name
President will officially change his name tomorrow to Barack Hussein Winner Of The Nobel Peace Prize Obama, even though he still claims he doesn't deserve it.
You Never Know
45-year-old tall gangly spinster and her eleven cats all taken away after confessing to causing global warming, icebergs melting, oceans to rise.
Schools Getting Out Of Hand
Rough year for school discipline as nuns forced to exchange sharp, sturdy rulers for wet noodles.
"Come Look At This, Martha!"
To the nation's shame, Donald Rumsfeld's "See the water boardings" website goes immediately to #1!
KC Fans Upset With Offense Line!
After allowing their quarterback to be sacked or hit over 20 times, KC Chiefs fans began chant for linemen to increase their intake of steroids. Chants of "Steroids! Steroids!" embarrass announcers.
Obama Begins Journey Of Destiny
President Obama to tour the nation in a loudspeaker truck, announcing his health care plan to every small town in the US by 2011.
The Biden Plan
VP Biden's Afghanistan plan has Hamid Karzai chairing ACORN's voter registration drives and the VP becoming the Afghani King. (Czar was ruled out due to Afghani sensitivities to anything Russian!)
Michael Moore's next movie is rumored to be "Pinocchio 2010." It is a documentary film about the White House spin machine.
No More Czars
President Obama gives in to congressional pressure, such that there will be no more Czar appointments. Any new presidentially appointed advisors will be designated as Emirs!
No More Food fights
Hungry signs a non-aggression pact with Turkey, Greece and Chile. China acts as an intermediary.
Americans may differ on whether President Obama should have received a Nobel Prize. However, Americans agree that the Venezuelan people got the Booby Prize when they elected Hugo Chavez.
Furniture lobbyists descended on all Washington DC hotels to redo the lobby decor. Their efforts were postponed as the lobbies were filled with political lobbyists, lobbying the Obama Administration.
Taliban will agree not to support al Qaeda in Afghanistan if they are included in President Obama's health care reform plan. Their only condition is that there must be no public option.
Failing high school seniors walk out of classrooms, demanding diplomas. They argue if the president can get a Nobel Prize for doing nothing, they should receive diplomas also.
NYT editorial indicates Speaker Pelosi may be delusional, if not insane! She keeps repeating "the American people want a public option," while independent polling continues to indicate the opposite.