Mariah Carey's breast implants are now so huge and lofty that she no longer needs her own jet. She simply goes outside, removes her lead bra and floats off to her destination.
Oprah Eats Gail King
After her chef called in sick, Oprah Winfrey today ate gal-pal Gail King. We extend our condolences to Ms. King's family, and have sent Oprah 6000 Tums.
The Chicago Bears Suck and Chicago With Them
The NFL today announced that the Chicago Bears officially suck. Between this, Sears Tower changing its name to Willis Tower and losing the Olympics to Rio, living there now is 100% embarrassing.
Tom Cruise Cruise Sets Sail on Disney
Tom Cruise today announced the Cruise Cruise on Disney's Big Red Boat. Cruise will actually be aboard and likely spend his time cruising your son, should you be so foolish as to bring him along.
Paris Hilton Not a Cheese Whiz
Paris Hilton last night fell into a huge vat of burning fondue cheese at Cafe L'imbicile in Hollywood. Now that's hot.
Marvin Gaye Wasn't
In an announcement that surprised no one, Motown today announced that Marvin Gaye was not, actually, gay. He was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very heterosexual.
Licence Payers Forced to Pay BBC Fines
If the BBC are fined by the NHS for trespassing on one of their derelict hospitals in Colchester, then paying the fine will be no problem because there will always be reliable licence payers.
Concerns expressed about Jennifer Aniston's Pacifier
"Look, I will get a man in my good time", said Jennifer Aniston while holding a ten pound lump hammer.
written by Tcoah, 26 October 2009
It's an Irish Mans world, Hurling, especially if your GAY!
A last Irish bastion of real mega-manliness has been sacrificed to another GAY infiltration, Irish super hero and womens fancy, Donal Og Cusack, is a HOMO, and he doesn'a wear a kilt playing either!
Liverpool TORRE-S- MENT Utd, fucking Spics!
Utd were TORRES-MENTED yesterday and Rio blew it, Spanish Armada against Rio de Wankero, Spic Scousers rule over Multi-Culti Mancunians for five minutes, he who laughs last!
US thought Baghdad was safe, ask Baghdadians the same question!
No bent elections or corrupt presidents, no just back to the office as usual and get your head blown off, daily downtown Baghdad is back to normal!
Spectacular Rescue of Duck from Lancashire Canal
A mallard duck which was wearing black rimmed spectacles around its neck had to be rescued from a Lancashire canal. These spectacles were suspected to be owned by Chris Evans.
South Wales Police to Use Bikers in Bonfire Patrol
Having 'done' all the motorists in South Wales at least once, bored motorcycle police officers can enjoy destroying potential 'risky bonfires'. At least that will give the motorists 2 weeks respite.
Avon Lady Suspected of Overcharging
An Avon lady has been suspected of overcharging her customers after claiming that she has sold over £7 million worth of goods.
In Minnesota it is Illegal to operate a motorized recliner on a public right of way, while intoxicated.
written by Adam Click, 26 October 2009
American Quilting Society saved the day!
Scientists announced that the galaxy destroying tear in the space/time fabric that they discovered last month has been sewn shut by the good women of the AQS. Thanks, Ladies! America is proud!
Man yearns for good old days, when we had cool enemies
The Soviets had some class, they were subtle and sophisticated, and were an enemy worth fighting, says your Grandpa. The Muslims are crude and filthy, and aren't a credible threat.
Burger King says, "F*ck them Japs"
In their continued effort to avenge those who died at Pearl Harbor, Burger King announced their seven patty Whopper in Tokyo yesterday. The status conscious Nips are expected to eat this in droves.
Your neighbor has plans for your wife
Reader, your neighbor - you know, the "quiet one" - has fixated on your wife. When she turns up missing in the next month or so, know that she is in his basement being tortured.
Man gets over on video store
Recently a man returned several movies to the video store late. He had $3.50 worth of late fines, but by telling them the lie that he had had to take his mom to the hospital, got out of paying them.
Dante was not even supposed to be here today
Dante, stalwart employee of Quick E Mart, was not actually supposed to be working today. His boss tricked him into it by pretending that he would be in later. Jay and Silent Bob kept him company.
Your boss may have lied
When your boss called you in to work today and said that this write up was a formality, and that you were still a valued member of the team...he was actually lying, and you are on your way out.
Candidate addresses crowd
Political candidate running for office addressed the crowd last night. He said, "If elected I promise to increase funding for needed programs, decrease taxes and balance the budget." No one laughed.
High school nerd forbears for another year
He who you all used to tease unmercifully, snap his ass with towels during gym, and beat occasionally, has decided to hold off another year in his plans for killing you all. It will happen, though.