Obama Wins 'Nuther One
President Obama receives another Nobel in Meteorology for calm this year and the lack of hurricanes.
Bernie Madoff hospitalized after falling for the old "Dropped Soap In The Shower Trick!"
Nigeria To Bail Out US?
Government of Nigeria offers United States 10 trillion dollars for only 100 billion up front so money can be released from bank. Over 300 billion people qualifies US for bulk rate.
Judge rewards The Kinks $50,000 for US Government playing of "Lola" over one million times to prisoners at Gitmo.
Pilots Let Go
Pilots of plane that overflew destination by 150 miles and have been fired, married today. Join "Mile High Club".
The Hermel people have recalled all cans of Donkey Fazoo with the dates 2-10-10 through 10-10-10 on them as they contain Donkey Patoo.
Obama Denies Race Card
During the campaign, it was said that Obama played the race card. When asked about it yesterday in Washington, Obama stated, "All I know is that I wound up with the Joker as VP!"
Terrorist Plot Fails When Everyone In Line Checked
Arrested terrorist apparently tried to get by bomb-sniffing dogs at airport by spraying others in line with "Eau de Dog's Ass #7".
Carter's Mind Slipping?
Former President Jimmy Carter's mental state being questioned after surrendering to police in Plains, Georgia for growing peanuts that may have killed some people with allergies.
John Kerry Objects To Horse's Name
Senator John Kerry is asking thorough breeder James Lipscomb to rename his racehorse, John Kerry. Lipscomb says he will keep the name, after all, the horse has already won three races by a head.
Banner Can't Make Up Mind
David Banner switches to aggressive member of the Green Party, then switches back again.
No More Shaking Tins
Poppycock! Remembrance Day collectors banned from shaking tins to avoid 'intimidating shoppers'. Say this year's hired ass-shakers will bring in more money, anyway!
What Was He On?
Drugs tsar sacked, for claiming Ecstasy, cannabis and LSD are less harmful than alcohol, thrown into river.
Brittish Police Apologize
Police apologise after including actors on 'wanted' posters of football hooligans. Sean Connery, Patrick Stewart freed. Anthony Hopkins had already escaped.
Rod Serling Sues 'Twilight' Franchise From The Grave
In a startling lawsuit from the ghost of 'Twilight Zone' creator, Rod Serling, is suing the producers of the 'Twilight' movie series with the following; "Submitted for your approval, my lawsuit..."
Thankfully, It Didn't Reach Pilots Cabin
Medical alert after series of passengers mysteriously faint mid-flight on their way to Britain. Airline blames 96 year old's visit to toilet & door left open.
Economy Holding Marriages Together
Poll: More marriages staying together over bad economy. Also, to make their spouses life as miserable as possible.
Planet Venus Renamed
Horny scientists across the world have renamed the planet Venus, 'Meganfox'. In a statement the scientists revealed, "Who cares about some ancient chick when Megan Fox is ten times hotter?!"
Number Of Suicides Up In Japan
Number of suicides up among Japanese youth over the loss of facebook.
Gas Up Again
Gas prices chugging higher as holidays near. This year's number one gift among adults: Gas Certificates.
Obama Vs. Fox News
The Obama administration has apologized to Fox News for ignoring it and not taking them seriously, because they were under the impression that the reporters were actually actors from MadTV.
Obama: Signs Of Better Economy
Obama highlights fresh signs of economic growth as unsold house prices jump 10%. Employment now up to 79%.
Glenn Beck Turns Deserts into Rain Forests
Cuckoo tv personality and professional weirdo twit Glenn Beck has found his calling in life. His non-stop tears of paranoia have been used to flood the Sahara Desert and turn it into a rain forest.
Sweat Hog Lodge Lawsuit
First lawsuits filed in Brooklyn, New York sweat hog tragedy at James Buchanan High, reports teacher Gabe Kotter.
General Motors Surrenders
Auto manufacturer General Motors has gone out of business, thanks to a car manufacturer that has outsold them since 1970. GM bosses said, "We give up! We can't compete with Hot Wheels any longer!"
None High-Risk Groups Getting First Shots
Some who get flu vaccine not in high-risk group. Most, though, are in high income group.
Stooge Football Injuries
Experts: HS football concussions merit more study. Also, many hit in the balls who fake limp to sidelines, eye gouges during pile-ups.
Side Effects To Shots Explained
Side effects not always due to swine flu shot say experts. "A few people are allergic to small amount of hog piss used in vaccine."
Balloon Boy Family Strike Back!
"Balloon Boy" family in the news recently, fight back by accusing government of faking moon shots. "Those were helium-filled suits their were bouncing around in", claims dad.
Rubber Products Polluted
An American-owned rubber company is disputing claims by the Liberian government that the company's waste products are polluting cheeks....creeks.
"Death Clause" Still In Health Plan
President Obama admits "Death Clause" still in the health care plan but adds that it also includes $2500 towards family funerals.
GOP Urges Simpler Health Plan
GOP urges simpler, less expensive health care plan. Claim their "Take two aspirin & call doctor in the morning plan" a lot less expensive.
Ethics panel scrutinizing dozens of House members. House members scrutinizing dozens of House member's aides.
Natural Gas Up!
Natural gas costs lowest in six years as dropping economy forces more & more families to switch to beans and turnips.
"The Rest Of The Story"
Chart-toppers Mock Jagger, Bruce Bedspring and the Bug Eyed Peas join jam at Madison Square Garden according to Paul Harvey!
In Time For Christmas
Credit-card rates up from 25% to 200% before new law goes into effect.
Winfrey, Clooney At The White House
Revealed: Winfrey, Clooney were among the first White House guests. Jeremiah Wright was the first to be tossed out on his ass.
Cheney Hasn't A Clue!
Cheney to FBI: No idea who leaked Plame's identity, but Joe Biden has blabbed everything else.
Madoff Overdid It Confesses SEC
Madoff: Had 'too much credibility' with SEC. "No Shit?" says 100,000 victims!
Middle East Peace Pushes Ahead
Secretary of State Clinton continues push for Mideast peace as she reports that they have already came to "Shoves".
Political Parties Investigated Over Parties
Ethics panel scrutinizing dozens of House members, especially those of the opposing political parties.
Plans Made For Sexy Clock Change
When clocks change, body may need time to adjust! Lots of couples planning to join the "One Hour & Ten Minute Club".
Nine Banks Seized
Nine U.S. banks seized in largest one-day haul as bank robbers disguise themselves as US agents.
Iran Rejects UN
Iran lawmakers reject UN-drafted uranium plan but hope to keep discussions going about future discussions until bombs completed.
Abdulah Rejects Runoff
Sources: Abdullah to pull out of Afghan runoff. "The shit has merely gotten too deep", claims Abdullah. "No more runoffs!"
Clinton Brothel Lawsuit
The Dalai Lama was not permitted to enter the Clinton - Obama Save a Penny brothel because it could not be determined whether he was white, black or gay.
written by bartolomeo7, 31 October 2009
Still More Nixon Tapes Found
Still more old Nixon tapes found at White House have Nixon apparently practicing to be a guest on "Laugh In". "Sock it to ME! SOCK it to me!" "Sock IT to me!" "Sock it TO me!"
Three bodies found in Fort Knox, Kentucky were apparently criminals trying to dig way under the gold vault for the past year. Finally blew their way into septic tank.
More Whacko Economics
Economists advise people to buy a new car & spend money on consumer goods, as the recession is over because the GDP is up. Perhaps they missed the fact that over 10% of the work force is unemployed.
Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown, as he is about to kick it! Notice a similarity with Iran doing the same thing to the Obama administration, with respect to a nuclear weapons agreement?
What Did She Say?
Several senior citizens had to be taken to the emergency room for shock. They heard House Speaker Pelosi say the House health care reform bill would provide affordable health care for adolescents!
The federal government is going to tax businesses, who will then lay off workers. The collected tax money will then be used by the politicians to subsidize other businesses to create new jobs! What?
Don't you feel better that the House health care reform bill has a provision written by the food police? A section is devoted to posting food calories and fat at fast food restaurants and on menus.
Food police Scandal
Members of the food police were caught in a fast food restaurant eating double cheeseburgers, onion rings and fries. They said, "this is better than sex, but you must do as we say, not as we do!"