Ten Other Things Undecided Voters Are Undecided On.
1) Eating a Filet Mignon prepared by Ina Garten, or eating bodega Spam that expired in 1997.
2) Getting passed a basketball in a game of hot potato, or getting passed an MK3 grenade.
3) Whether or not Ralph Fiennes played a villain in Schindler’s List. (“Maybe he was just misunderstood?” says undecided voter, Ben Kone.)
4) Getting licked by a cocker spaniel, or getting mauled by a grizzly bear and then tripping and getting trapped by a boulder127 Hours-style.
5) Finding a twenty-dollar bill on the street, or slipping in poodle shit while wearing flip flops.
6) Skipping through a meadow of daisies, or stepping on an old rusty nail and getting tetanus. (“Those vaccines are a hoax,” says the ghost of Jerry Falwell Sr.)
7) Sipping on a Piña Colada on the beach in Barbados, or spilling rum on yourself and sufficiently lighting yourself on fire.
8) (If drowning) whether or not to accept a life jacket, or a Cannon Ball Safe. (“How can I sink the fastest?” says undecided voter, Ralph Nader.)
9) Riding in a horse-drawn carriage in Central Park, or being jousted off a horse and dragged by Spartacus.
10) Whether or not to be upset; or to jump up, and laugh and cheer when Bambi’s mom is killed.
(This piece was previously published on Glossynews.com on 10/18/20.)