Hollywood Celebrates Hayden Panettierre On Her 18th Birthday and Entry Into Skankdom

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Sunday, 19 August 2007

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Light the candles because the latest starlet is almost legal!

Hayden Panettierre, the young cheerleader from the cast of Heroes, turns eighteen years old this week. For her official entry into the world of Hollywood sleaze, other media personalities are throwing her a "skanking out" party. Each of several famous "stars" will spend some time with Hayden teaching her the important things about being a modern woman in Hollywood.

Britney Spears has invited her to ride with her in a limo, have her hair cut, go swimming naked, show her ass, check into and out of rehab several times, learn how much underewear is really necessary, and have a few incoherent rants at the press.

Paris Hilton has volunteered to mentor her on power partying, how to care for your rat sized dog, do's and don'ts of prison, and how to properly film home made porn.

Lindsay Lohan is taking care of the drunk driving, the chasing, the out of control partying, the parental problems, the nip slips, and being a drama queen on a film set.

Nicole Richie will also help with drunk driving skills, but will focus on driving the wrong way on a one way street. She will also cover proper etiquette for breaking up with a best friend and co-star.

The Olsen twins will cover anorexia, bulimia, how to deal with drug accusations, what to do when your career selling stuff to little girls dries up, and being a prick tease.

Shakira and Christina Aguilera will tag team on shaking what you got and showing as much skin as possible.

Angelina Jolie will cover tattoos, wearing you man's blood in a vial, and how to steal a man from a better looking woman.

Madonna, Queen of all skanks, will oversee the proceedings and fill in anything that the others leave out.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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