LONDON – (Satire News) – The man who leaked more leaks in the history of leaking is now begging President Biden to help get him out of jail.
Julian Assange, who is 49, but who is now looking more like 69, told Loretta Piffinshaw, with England’s Ta Ta For Now News that he has lost over 100 pounds and he is now down to 87 pounds.
Piffinshaw remarked that J.A. makes skinny bitch Ann Coulter look like she’s on steroids.
Assange revealed to Piffinshaw that for breakfast he has a crumpet with mustard, for lunch he has a crumpet with half a cherry, and for dinner he has a crumpet with slivers of garlic.
The self-professed "Wikileaks Wonderboy," allegedly leaked classified information regarding US military secrets.
"Benedict Assange" revealed the locations of 127 of America’s underground missile silos as well as the secret codes to the vaults of 14 federal banks.
Julie, as his Aunt Julie Assange calls him, also gave out the private cell phone numbers of Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kylie, and Kendall Kardashian.
The man who is now whimpering like an 8-year-old schoolgirl is responsible for making up fake recipes including those for taco-flavored milk, hi carb hamburger helper, and a mutton and lime Jello casserole.
One of the guards at The Monty Phyton–Belmarsh Prison in London, where Assange (Convict #89035281) is incarcerated, said that his fiancée Stella Morris used to visit him once a week, but she stopped coming when she was reprimanded by Warden Blasingame McTurkington, for wearing extremely tight-fitting Daisy Duke short shorts.