Cruz Hopes to Bring Will Robinson, Jupiter 2 Crew Home
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As his first act as chair of the Senate subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has pledged to focus all of NASA's resources on bringing Will Robinson and the crew of the Jupiter 2 back home to E...
Read full storyCheesy law regarding football spawns other gridiron lunacy
BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WA -- Bainbridge Island, Washington, has outlawed cheese. At least, during the upcoming NFC Championship game that pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Green Bay Packers. And it's not only cheese per se that's banned, but al...
Read full storyMan Accused of Traveling Through Time to Ensure that Legal System Remains an Unending Quagmire
Hill Valley resident Biff Tannen was accused of attempting to aid his wayward grandson Griff Tannen avoid jail time by disrupting the space time continuum. The plot revolved around using time travel to prevent the streamlining of the legal system wh...
Read full storyBelichick Bets Infamous "Half-Sleeved Hoodie" on Championship Game
Foxborough, MA - During Friday's post-practice interview, Patriot's head coach, Bill Belichick stated that he would "bet my hoodie that we take home the AFC championship this year." These are strong words from a reserved coach who has coached th...
Read full storySordid Arabia dubbed the world's morality toilet
Dammam, Saudi Arabia - The Sanitation Operatives International League - SOIL - has commemorated high falutin' Saudi rhetoric with its annual Bullshit Gong for poisoning citizens' minds with Sharia garbage. It is the 60th consecutive year that the...
Read full storyDeath to Seat Belts! Republicans Demand End to All 'Fascistic' Road and Car Regulations
Washington-Feeling restrained by that seat belt? Resent being told you can't text and drive? Hate going to the DMV? The new Republican-controlled Congress is riding like John Wayne to your rescue! Fueled by Tea Party anger and led by glamorous cas...
Read full storyAll Oscar nominees for Best Actress award are women
For the first time in history, all the nominees for Best Actress at the Oscar's are women. The surprise turnaround follows sustained pressure from feminist activist groups, who called the decision to give the coveted Best Actress award to male no...
Read full storyDewsbury Traffic To Drive Down Same Side Of Road As Mumbai
After twinning the Yorkshire city of Dewsbury with Mumbai in India, the council have declared that cars, rickshaw buses, rickshaw motor cycles and taxis will now have to drive in a "free for all" chaotic system down the centre of the road since the M...
Read full storyDonald Trump Threatens to Stop Air Traffic Everywhere as He Buys Sky
New York, NY In a revenge move precipitated by the Palm Beach county airport rerouting their plane lines over his mansion, Donald Trump has bought the sky. His first move is to restrict all air traffic from using his sky. The Supreme Court quickly...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Accidentally Pelts Keith Richards with Eggs
Pago Pago Fledgling rock star wannabe Justin Bieber was going about minding his own business in a dark bar when a smelly old man who smelled like alcohol and urine challenged him to have a drink with him. Beiber assumed it was just one of his Bel...
Read full storyUrban Legend Series: If the Shoe Fits, Wear It
Part 1 of a new series! Every episode we will examine an old adage to see if it's true or just an urban legend. This pilot episode has us examining the old adage "If the shoe fits, wear it." To test this hypothesis we advertised for people to help test shoes. To no one's surprise the response was overwhelmingly female, overruling the planned Payless Shoes Expedition with one to Nieman Marcus...
Read full storyRepublican Party to Take Over the Name "Democrats"
Washington, DC In a surprise move, the majority party, the Republicans, also known as the GOP, voted to take over the name "Democrats" and "Democratic Party." The party members of the party formerly known as the Democrats all voted against the measur...
Read full storyBill Cosby Reaches Out to Prince Andrew
Buckingham Palace, London, England Buckingham Palace announced today that even though Prince Andrew has never done anything wrong with any underage sex slaves, Sarah Ferguson, retired Duchess of York, will still be standing by him, but won't be provi...
Read full story2,000 Injured In Bradford Stampede As Taxi Driver Shouts "Taxi for Abu"
A "rookie" taxi driver, who pulled up in the centre of Bradford last night at 11.30 and shouted, "Is there an Abu here?" has been suspended after 2,000 Abus were taken to Bradford Hospital A&E unit with crush injuries. First names, tradition...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Cancels Bill Cosby's North Korean Visit
Pyongyang, North Korea Portly North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, between one of his eight meals per day, informed the media that comedian Bill Cosby will not be allowed to bring his comedy act to the beleaguered country of North Korea. Bill Cosby...
Read full storyDespite polls, Hillary says no to servicing Mitt
WHITEWASHINGTON, DC/AC - Hillary Clintoon is celebrating the news: forty percent of the respondents to a Phew Poll affirmed that they want to see a woman in the Oval Orifice. Clintoon (Hillary, not Bill), who may run for president in 2016, beamed...
Read full story