BAINBRIDGE ISLAND, WA -- Bainbridge Island, Washington, has outlawed cheese.
At least, during the upcoming NFC Championship game that pits the Seattle Seahawks against the Green Bay Packers.
And it's not only cheese per se that's banned, but all cheese products as well, including not only cheese crackers, but also Cheetos.
Violators are subject to "death or dismemberment."
"We don't want any Green Bay crackers wearing cheesehead hats on or near our island," a spokesperson for Bainbridge Island City Hall declared.
As a result of the Bainbridge Island ban, other teams have pressured other cities to prohibit costumes and "anything else" that the teams' management, players, cheerleaders, mascots, or fans find "asinine and objectionable." The list of proposed bans goes way beyond foodstuffs.
For example, foes of the Washington Redskins want to outlaw the Dallas Cowboys; the Tampa Bay Buccaneers want to prohibit the Oakland Raiders; the New York Giants want to ban the Tennessee Titans; and the Jacksonville Jaguars want to get rid of the Detroit Lions, the Cincinnati Bengals, and the Carolina Panthers.
Likewise, the Philadelphia Eagles want to see the Atlanta Falcons, the Seattle Seahawks, and the Baltimore Ravens disbanded. "There's only room enough for one bird of prey in football," franchise owner Jeffrey Lurid claims, "and the Eagles is that raptor."
The Bainbridge Island ban on cheese has generated a good deal of controversy, but not as much as the teams' calls for prohibitions of rivals. Cowboys' owner Jeery Jones says, "The 'Skins call for our extermination is nothing less than reverse genocide."
Football, some critics contend, is a "brutal sport."
"And it's getting a lot more vicious," NFL Commissioner Peter Rottweiler admits. "When macaroni and cheese become plain macaroni, as it has in Bainbridge, things have gone too far, even by my low standards."