Washington-Feeling restrained by that seat belt? Resent being told you can't text and drive? Hate going to the DMV? The new Republican-controlled Congress is riding like John Wayne to your rescue!
Fueled by Tea Party anger and led by glamorous castration queen Joni Ernst, the GOP 2016 platform committee today called for abolishing all road and car regulations, which they described as "fascism on wheels" and "the worst kind of government over-reach."
"Who the hell do the Feds and state authorities think they are, telling us which side of the road to drive on?" demanded Ernst, who has also been named by the GOP to "rebut" President Obama's State of the Union speech on January 20.
"You know who also told people to stick on one side of the hog patch?" she went on. "Hitler."
Ernst said that her committee's proposals "simply extend the Second Amendment to cars.
"Our position is that car licensing and ownership should be treated just the same as guns."
She went on: "You don't need no training before you can buy and use a fire arm. You just go to the dealer and ten minutes later bang, bang! Some thug bites the dust, like the Founders intended. We just want to do the same thing with cars, is all."
Ernst said that as soon as the committee's proposals become law, "I'm gonna drive all over America on whatever side of the road I damn well please, and ain't no damn gummint Big Brother gonna tell me otherwise, or it's snip-snip for him!"
She cut the air eloquently with her index and second fingers. Combined with her flashing smile, it was strangely disturbing.
"George Washington crossed the Delaware anytime he wanted," Ernst continued. "And if Cliven Bundy and I want to drive up and down both sides of a one-way street simultaneously, then, Mister, you better damn move aside! Because your freedom ends where mine begins."
Other proposals from Ernst's committee do away with seat-belt requirements for riders, and "oppressive car-seat rules" for infants and children.
Multi-channel TV and Internet access on the driver's dashboard will be permitted and--the so-called "Mitt Amendment"--pets may legally be strapped to a vehicle's roof for longer journeys.
Driving on both sides of the road, Ernst noted, "will of course be responsibly phased in." Trucks will go first, for a six-month adjustment period, and then passenger cars and other vehicles will follow.
Obeying traffic signs, "especially Yields and Stops," becomes optional and, Ernst added, "that whole rigmarole about learning to drive and getting a license will be done away with.
"That's so unconstitutional and completely un-American. Doesn't apply to guns, why should it to cars? People kill pedestrians, not cars, and frankly Florida's 'Stand Your Ground' laws apply in almost every road-rage situation."
She wound up: "Look, no one asked Wyatt Earp if he knew how to ride or tether his horse or use a gun. He just learned what he had to learn and gave us the victory at the Golden Corral.
"Unregulated guns, that's American freedom," Ernst said. "We simply want the same deal for our cars."