Dewsbury Traffic To Drive Down Same Side Of Road As Mumbai

Written by Auntie Jean

Friday, 16 January 2015

image for Dewsbury Traffic To Drive Down Same Side Of Road As Mumbai
Traffic lights obsolete

After twinning the Yorkshire city of Dewsbury with Mumbai in India, the council have declared that cars, rickshaw buses, rickshaw motor cycles and taxis will now have to drive in a "free for all" chaotic system down the centre of the road since the Mumbai traffic flow apparently 'sorts itself out dynamically' according to an Indian quadraplegic ex-traffic policeman.

"In Mumbai it feels as though the traffic never stops, despite the amount of traffic being far, far greater and that 'rules' around lanes and overtaking are virtually absent (overtake either side, switch 'lanes' or road position ten times a minute), and everyone aims aggressively for any space that might take you two feet further forward. Visually it is often closer to cattle being herded into a gateway than anything related to ordered traffic flow. If you have your nose evenly marginally in front (which may be contested to a point) you can keep going, sounding your horn incessantly (but as everyone is doing this incessantly it is not always clear if this has a genuine purpose).

Previously in Dewsbury such actions have lead to raised temperatures but mainly because vying for space like this happened only rarely. In Mumbai it is every second of every minute. I have barely seen one driver shout or even mutter at another but the competition for that space further forward is competed for with vigour at all times. Driving is clearly intense - being a passenger from elsewhere can be both exhilarating and quite worrying, if not frightening. It is fast and furious driving - as seen in parts of Portugal or Spain but one hundred fold, a different driving culture. And yet it works (sort of) I am yet to witness an accident yes near misses happen every few seconds. The traffic keeps moving and when it stops it isn't for 10, 15 or 20 minutes it is for a few minutes ay most. If the same driving was transposed to London it would be carnage, straight and simple but here, in Dewsbury as I say, it will work.

Rickshaws will be able to drive without lights on at night; cyclists (in mortal danger at the best of times) will not need any lights; children will be allowed to cycle through all of the above (mostly in the day), sometimes two or three hanging off a single bike and pedestrians will have to negotiate traffic literally by millimetres as pedestrian crossings will simply be a place at which to knock them down".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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