Man Accused of Traveling Through Time to Ensure that Legal System Remains an Unending Quagmire

Funny story written by StubbornGorilla

Friday, 16 January 2015

Hill Valley resident Biff Tannen was accused of attempting to aid his wayward grandson Griff Tannen avoid jail time by disrupting the space time continuum. The plot revolved around using time travel to prevent the streamlining of the legal system which could lead to the younger Tannen being arrested, tried and convicted within a two hour timeframe. The allegation states that in an alternate timeline the legal system had become so efficient by 2015 that lawyers had become irrelevant, and were abolished. However, it is speculated that foreseeing trouble for his family, Tannen used some sort of time manipulation to prevent this from happening, thus, keeping the legal system in the overly complicated morass that is its current state.

Biff Tannen stated, "I don't know nothing about any time travelling car!" When asked to clarify he continued, "Why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here!" Appearing flustered, Biff stormed off with his three unnamed security guards and refused to answer more questions. Griff Tannen was unavailable for comment, but known associate Chester "Whitey" Nogura was questioned, but claimed to have no knowledge of any time travel plot. When pressed if he thought such a ridiculous plan could work he stated, no, "unless you have powa!" He went on to make an indescribable sound that may have been a laugh or howl.

Details are still emerging, but according to an anonymous source Tannen may have gained access to a way to accomplish his goal, "He stole my idea!" the source exclaimed, and went on to describe Tannen "he's an @$$hole!" When asked to clarify the unnamed source stated that Tannen actually murdered his father, covered it up and coerced his mother to marry him. When asked to provide proof of his claims all the source could provide was a folded blank piece of paper that looked like it came out of a dot matrix printer, a book of matches that read "Ooh la la Magazine" and a Gray's Sports Almanac from the current year. Tannen, publisher of the burlesque magazine "Ooh la la" called the allegations "stupid", and denied any knowledge or connection to the death of his wife Lorraine's first husband. When asked to consider the possibility that Tannen may have used this technique to manipulate other aspects of the space time continuum the unnamed source said, "This is heavy!"

Time travel expert Doctor Emmet Brown was asked if he thought there were any theoretical grounds for the case against Tannen. He believed it could be possible through the use of a stylish, if impractical and out of date timeline disrupting device. Asked about how such a device might work, Doctor Brown stated that it would take 1.21 gigawatts of power to create the necessary effect to achieve space time disruption. Dr. Brown was described as "very agitated" when pressed about the amount of power such a process would take. Asked about the implications of the allegations against Tannen Dr. Brown went on to say "Great Scott!" Offering how he would use a time travel device if he had access to it Doctor Brown admitted, "I'll be able to see who wins the next twenty-five World Series."

No formal charges have been brought against Tannen, and aside from minor run-ins with the law Griff Tannen has not been connected to any crimes or circumstances that involve the legal system. Some speculation has been made that Biff Tannen has been using time travel to manipulate reality to his benefit, but no evidence has surfaced. However, all aspects of Biff Tannen's life has been gaining interest from authorities, since the allegations and other rumors have begun to surface.

Dr. Brown was asked what all of this means. He concluded "The future isn't written yet. You're future is whatever you make, so make it a good one!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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