U.S. Government To Create Draft Lottery To Ensure Adequate Supply of Daily Shooting Victims
The United States government today announced it would institute a draft lottery to ensure an adequate supply of victims for the now daily mass shootings taking place across the country. The government, at the behest of an assortment of armed luna...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Falsely Accused Of Drag Racing
Miami Beach cops claim Justin Bieber was drag racing and drunk, which caused his arrest. But Sgt. Joe "Pinocchio Nose" Soprano and his partner Elsie "Balls" Saunders of the beach police have confessed to looking for a reason to stop the controversia...
Read full storyDolly Parton Smuggling In Dope?
"Dolly Parton" Arrested at the Knoxville Airport in Maryville, Tennessee Says The Sevier County Journal! Dolly Parton is well known in Knoxville and when a blonde, big breasted woman came into the airport, she had to stop and sign a few autographs...
Read full storySoon Drones Will Be First Responders in Many Emergencies
The first thing that will happen after a terrorist bombing, tornado, earthquake, bank hold-up will soon be a drone. Plans now being drawn up by emergency responders like police, firemen, even soldiers will be a drone or team of drones to check out...
Read full storyWomen are not sexual beings
A well-researched scientific study done by two professors of Rapture Studies at Biola Christian University proves that women have no sexual urges or impulses. In the study, two sets of women between the ages of 18 and 27 served as the control gr...
Read full storyObama to focus on blow jobs in State of the Union
Washington AC/DC - Described as a blow job to democracy Tuesday night's annual State of the Union circus is still big stiff -uh, stuff! - for the lame duck prez. Weeks of backroom White House choreography have suckcessfully buried a transatlantic...
Read full storyElvis Presley Named America's Top Entertainer of All Time In 49 States
CHICAGO - The Amalgamated Data Gathering Agency has just released the findings of its most recent national research study. ADGA Executive Director Bagby B. Buckleybox explained that back in November of last year, they sent out research questionnai...
Read full storyBen & Jerry's Has Just Developed A Brand New Ice Cream Flavor in Honor of Miley Cyrus
BURLINGTON, Vermont - The American Ice Cream giant, Ben & Jerry's has just informed the news media that they have just developed their latest ice cream flavor. Company Spokesperson Millard Cypress stated that the new flavor came about after th...
Read full story"...You got me partner!" - Ultimate 'cock-up' besets Putney's finest as he shoots himself in leg
What has been described by Senior Police Sergeant Reg Basham of Putney Police Station, London as the ultimate 'cock-up', a highly trained and skilled officer from the Metropolitan Police Specialist Crime & Operations directorate has managed to sh...
Read full storyPot Now Sold To inmates In Colorado Prisons
In urban centers such as New York City and Los Angeles, the sale of e-cigarettes in jails and prisons is forbidden. But throughout rural America prison guards are supplementing their incomes by selling there nicotine laden regular cigarette substitu...
Read full storyI Want To Be An Arab
I want to be an Arab And wear a flowing robe With a beard down to my ankles From my ear lobe I want to be an Arab And chat all day and night On a mat that's facing Mecca, or wherever They direct that shite I want to be an Arab They love a drop of wine! Downside: no bacon, sausage or pork chop They're forbidden to touch swine I want to be an Arab Have my women walk behind Whilst...
Read full story83-Year-Old Great Grandmother Is The Oldest Marijuana Shop Owner In Colorado
DENVER - The state of Colorado has just announced that Sophie Higginwax of Denver is the oldest pot shop owner in the entire state of Colorado. The 83-year-old great-grandmother has just purchased The Grass Is Always Greener Marijuana Shop in down...
Read full storyWisconsin Reports Firewood Rustling Up 900 Percent
MADISON, Wisconsin - State authorities are reporting that the due to the extreme cold weather that the state has been experiencing there has been a rise in crime. A spokesman in the governor's office has stated that some Wisconsin low-lifes are go...
Read full storyPueblo's Porno Supermarket Closes and Reopens As The Big Dipper Pot Shop
PUEBLO, Colorado - Pueblo's TV Channel 101 has just run a story about one of the oldest pornographic video supermarket stores in The Rocky Mountain State. Channel 101, known as The Big Snowball, reported that the Porno Supermarket located just sou...
Read full storySheriff Joe Arpaio Says He'll Use Prison Food Money To Buy More Photos of The Statue of Liberty
MARICOPA COUNTY, Arizona - Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio has proclaimed himself to be The Toughest Sheriff in The United States. The 81-year-old received his nickname from Vice-President Joe Biden because of Arpaio's policy of making his inmates dres...
Read full storyWorld Leaders President Obama and President Putin Make An Interesting Super Bowl Bet
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House Press Secretary Cal Colfax has just informed the news media about a bet that has been made between President Obama and Russian President Vladimir Putin. The leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world have...
Read full storyFriends of Pattie Mallette (Justin Bieber's Mom) Are Worried She May End Up In A Rehab Clinic
BEVERLY HILLS - Justin Bieber's mother, Pattie Mallettte, traveled from her home in Canada to Beverly Hills to visit one of the nation's best stress doctors. Ms. Mallette told Bedroom Pillow Talk's Carolina Chipotle that her son Justy has literall...
Read full storyPaul McCartney To Appear On Duck Dynasty And Introduce A Song He Wrote Especially For The Show
NEW YORK CITY - Paul McCartney, former member of the world's most popular band the Beatles, has just announced on The Viagra View that he will be appearing on the hit A&E show Duck Dynasty. McCartney, who with John Lennon, wrote hundreds of hi...
Read full storyJustin Bieber Asks Demi Lovato Out On A Date
HOLLYWOOD - Justin Bieber is very worried that he is going to get deported back to his beloved Canada now that he has been arrested in the Plywood State (Florida). The pop singer recently confided to Ellen DeGeneres that he does not want to go bac...
Read full storyMalawi Hockey Team Prepares for Olympics
Though they have never seen snow, or even ice for that matter, the men are gearing up for a tough contest against their Northern foes "We're good with our sticks", says team captain Umambi The group is pretty sure that knockin' over a few...
Read full storyJustus Beaver to Rock New "Bad Boy" Image
In the wake of teenage clit-throb Justus Beaver's arrest under section 119a of Florida's Motor Vehicle Act, specifically, "...care and control of a motor vehicle while under narcissistic delusions of grandeur and self-importance...", his agent, Mony...
Read full storyPesto collapse leaves Argentine President Kirchner in the soup
Buenos Aires - That old cliche about getting out of the kitchen if you can't stand the heat sees daft Argie despot Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner's presidency reduced to toast this weekend. A collapse in the value of pesto in global markets means...
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