Women are not sexual beings

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Saturday, 25 January 2014


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A well-researched scientific study done by two professors of Rapture Studies at Biola Christian University proves that women have no sexual urges or impulses.

In the study, two sets of women between the ages of 18 and 27 served as the control groups. Group "A" was subjected to the usual stimulating fare found in modern American culture. They watched episodes of "Sex And The City," listened to rap music, viewed MTV, read "Fifty Shades of Grey," and the like.

Control group "B" had American culture's usual sources of sexual stimulation taken away. In addition to those mentioned above, they did not view magazines with ads depicting women as sexual beings and watched no advertising on TV with women in them.

The time period for the research was three months.

For the final phase of the study, both groups were exposed to pictures of semi-nude, extremely handsome and well-built men, dressed as policemen and firemen. All were in suggestive poses.

Skin heat measuring devices, heart rate monitoring, degree of wetness in vaginas and other tests were administered as the two control groups looked at the pictures.

Women in Group "A" were considerably sexually aroused. Women in Group "B" were free of sexual passion.

Professor J.P Erasmus stated, "The study proves conclusively that the way women are viewed in 21st century America is simply wrong. They are portrayed in the mass media as being lustful, think about sex constantly, like casual sex, and are interested in lesbian activity. It turns out that their non-sexual natures have been corrupted by their environment.

His colleague Associate Professor Cotton Mather nodded in agreement.

"Other studies done at reputable Bible Colleges show that men are quite different from women in these areas. They are aggressive, active, and dominant in the sexual sphere. We find from our study that women apparently compliment these attributes. Being non-sexual beings, they are naturally passive and submissive."

The Dean of the Division of Tribulation Research - under whose auspices the research was undertaken - was present at the meeting where the professors were present.

"We can't do much about excessive stimulation of women in our society. The first amendment and powerful corporate interests, who make billions a year off of media sex, would prevent any censorship efforts, he said.

"But throughout America, particularly in the Old Confederacy and the Rust Belt, fundamentalist evangelicals will be told from the pulpits about this research. Parents then will be in a much better position to protect their girls from evil sexual stimulus. I personally think that home schooling is a good place to start."

Professor Erasmus stated, "Our study, combined with others, sheds a whole new light on rape. If women are essentially passive and non-sexual it probably brings out understandably aggressive impulses in men. It seems that being submissive to strong, dominant men who ravish them is a natural role for women."

The Dean ended the discussion with, "You know, the church has always advocated moral purity for women. It turns out that that should be rather easy for them. But Satan deceptively threatens such a loss. He whispers in female ears through books, TV, movies, social media and so on. If I had my way i'd ban them all."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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