British Citizens Immigrating to Be Near London Bridge
LAKE HAVASU, ARIZONA - Immigration officials are seeing a surge in citizenship applications from British citizens who want to relocate to Lake Havasu, Arizona. "Most of the applications are from middle-aged or older Brits," explained Duncan Dillw...
Read full storyOlympic Curling marred by 'ball tampering'
The extreme housework ice discipline of curling was rocked by controversy today, after accusations that some teams had used illegal tactics. Recent speculation regarding the Norwegian curling team's unorthodox trousers has culminated in an investi...
Read full storyWest Virginians Drinking Only Wine and Mountain Dew
For years educated West Virginians and outsiders criticized rural residents for serving children Mountain Dew. Now, a month into a water crisis caused by a chemical spill, all residents have become Mountain Dew drinkers. "I was very hesitant, but...
Read full storyClose shave with extinction for the Westphalian razor clam
Dortmund - The North German edible mollusc from the Pharidae family has been on the World Clam Organization's Top 10 Endangered marine bivalves register since early '69 when shoals of the slimy little critters were harvested 'in their millions' in Bi...
Read full storyAsk a Wolf, it never lies...
Question: Do you really eat people? Answer: Yes, if they are available. I mostly eat caribou, elk, deer, bison, rabbits, fox, bugs, worms....meat items since I'm a carnivore. Question: Why are you so scary? Answer: See first answer to the first question. Question: Why do you howl? Answer: You would howl, too, if you had to eat tough, stringy caribou all day. It's really tough...
Read full storyUS Loses to Canada, Americans Grieve Briefly, But Then Remember They Hate Hockey
The United States lost another heartbreaking game today to Canada in the Olympics by a score of 1-0. Less than 24 hours removed from the US Women losing a gut wrenching game to the Canadian, the men followed suit in Sochi. The 2012 Olympics bro...
Read full storyMassive Tunnels Found Under Wyoming Border Fence by the B.H.C.
CHEYENNE, WYOMING - Smiling with satisfaction that the newly established B.H.C. (Basset Hound Corp) is doing its job, Wyoming Governor Matt Mead announced today that several massive tunnels, large enough for humans to walk through, have been found du...
Read full storyJoe Biden: Obummercare enrollments may miss mark set by administration
WHITEWASHNTON, D. C. - On a tour of Starbucks coffeehouses, Joe Biden, President of Vice under Barack Obummer, did something that politicians, especially of his party, seldom, if ever, do: he told the truth. Specifically, he admitted that, des...
Read full storyPope Frankie the Argie has put on 50lbs since taking over the Vatican last year
Rome - Quoting St Matthew 25:35-36 the new Pope said his sudden weight gain has indeed been of Biblical proportions after nuns from the Order of the Holy Obese Family began fattening him up a year ago to make sure he fit in his predecessor's hassocks...
Read full storyPresident Obummer plays Tiddlywinks with the Dahlia Lama
WHITEWASHINGTON, D. C. -- In an attempt to erode U. S.-Chinese relations, as he has eroded those between the U. S. and most of its allies, President Barack ("B. O.") Obummer met with Tibet's spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama on Friday, February 21.
Read full storyLeprechauns Take Over Redwood Forest on Pacific Coast
WILLITS, CALIFORNIA - Officials from the Redwood National and State Parks (RNSP) reported today that a busload of leprechauns arrived in the middle of the night and quickly ascended the towering trees using mountain climbing gear. The leprechauns...
Read full storyNew York: Melting Snow Could Kill You!
Melting snow makes people want to get out for a change but in New York City the trip outside to remove some of the boredom might be your last or even your pets last. Two dogs were found electrocuted after coming into contact with live wires, burie...
Read full storyHomophobic Man struggles with his Fear
Dateline: New York--Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function. "I remember the first time the terror struck me," he said. "I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he's gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, an...
Read full storyAmerican's Guide to Russian Words
For those of you who are watching the Sochi Olympics and trying to understand the culture, the Editors have assembled some useful Russian to English word translations: Nyet" means "not yet" as in, question: "Do you want to quit drinking Vodka?" answer: "Nyet!" "privyet!" means "hi!" as in, "Oops, I should have knocked before entering your private room." "Sputnik" means "traveling com...
Read full storyScientists Say West's Dormant Volcanoes May Erupt Without Normal Snow Blanket
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA - The office of the California Seismic Safety Commission has determined that the drought conditions prevalent in the western U.S. may create an unstable situation for currently dormant volcanoes. California has plenty of haza...
Read full storyKanye West Hits Back At Joan Rivers After She Comments That His Baby Is Ugly
HOLLYWOOD - Kanye West and his baby mama Kim Kardashian cannot believe how hateful, insensitive, and downright mean Joan Rivers can be. Joan recently stated that Kanye and Kim's new baby North West is ugly and really needs to be waxed. Well dad...
Read full storySochi Olympics Streaker Arrested and Then Mysteriously Vanishes
SOCHI, Russia - The Sochi Olympics Organizing Committee is still extremely upset over a recent incident that took place in The Iceberg Skating Palace. The SOOC reports that a Scottish streaker ran onto the ice and was wrestled down. He was immedia...
Read full storyPennsylvania Sheriff Finds The Biggest Snowball In The History of Snowballs
ALTOONA, Pennsylvania - Sheriff Drexel Carbonero, 59, has been in law enforcement for over 32 years. And in that time he says he has literally seen it all. But yesterday afternoon as he was out on patrol he came upon something that he could not be...
Read full storyJay Leno To Appear On Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of the premier dance reality show, Dancing With The Stars have announced that former Tonight Show host Jay Leno will be one of the celebrity dancers on the upcoming season. DWTS co-host Tom Bergeron verified that Leno has...
Read full storyKim Jong Un's Real Name Is Revealed
PYONGYANG, North Korea - An insider who is employed at Kim Jong Un's Presidential Palace in Pyongyang has said that he knows Kim Jong Un's real name. The insider spoke on grounds of 100 percent anonymity saying that the leader of North Korea was b...
Read full storyVail, Colorado Erects A 200 Pound Statue of A Marijuana Seed
VAIL, Colorado - The citizens of the Colorado town of Vail are thrilled with the rise in tourism that has occurred due to the legalization of marijuana. In fact, the town has decided that to honor the fabulous cash crop it will be erecting a 200 p...
Read full storyArchaeologists Find Betty White's Baby Toys
NEW YORK CITY - Contrary to some recent rumors, 92-year-old Betty White was not born in a log cabin in Illinois. The elderly actress was born in Oak Park, Illinois in an accredited hospital. White was in the news recently when a team of archaeo...
Read full storyPakistan Has Outlawed Texting While Riding A Yak
KARACHI, Pakistan - The government of Pakistan has issued a Presidential Directive which will go into effect at 12:07 am on Saturday, March 1, 2014. A spokesperson for the Pakistani government stated that the number of accidents occurring due to p...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Says She Gets Her Tremendous Energy From Within And Not From Drugs
LOS ANGELES - Miley Cyrus sat down with Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors so that she could clear up a few items. Cyrus told Miss Vermicelli that she wants everyone to know that her high caliber of energy is not a result of drugs but is something that c...
Read full storyJay Leno Says He Wants To Buy The Los Angeles Lakers
LOS ANGELES - Now that Jay Leno is no longer the host of The Tonight Show he has had a lot of time to go out to dinner, attend some concerts, and catch a couple of Los Angeles Lakers games. Leno spoke with Hercules Confetti of Sporting Chance Maga...
Read full storyNodding Donkey Discovered Behind Hedge at Rose Valley Memorial Park
WHITTIER, CALIFORNIA - The Whittier Oil Watch (WOW) has announced its displeasure at discovering a nodding donkey, used for pumping oil out of the ground, behind a tall hedge at the Rose Valley Memorial Park in Whittier. "We would never have known...
Read full storyBrainy tot proves kids--even little geniuses--say the darndest things!
She's smarter than Abraham Lincoln (I. Q. 128), Bill Clinton (I. Q. 137), Napoleon Bonaparte (I. Q. 145) Sigmund Freud (I. Q. 156), Benjamin Franklin (I. Q. 160), and even Stephen Hawking (I Q. 160). Three-year-old Alice Amos, of the United Kingdom (...
Read full storyKenny Blankenship and Vic Romano Kidnapped by Two Volga Women
SOCHI, RUSSIA - Police authorities in Sochi confirmed that Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano are being held captive by two Volga Women, one of which only identified herself as "Olga from Volga". Kenny and Vic were last seen in the vicinity of the V...
Read full storyTurkey production doubled for additional Christmas in June
Fast track turkey breeding is taking place in government buildings throughout the U.K for an extra Christmas on the 25th of June. The Chancellor yesterday patronisingly announced the additional Yuletide as a reward to everyone for putting up with t...
Read full storyThe Secret England Footballer's Countdown to Brazil 2014: Part 3 Roy's Scouting Trip
Did you see it? Did you bloody see it? He looked like he was on holiday in Southend not visiting a building site in Manaus. No style, stupid 99p Store shades, long sleeve shirt, all buttoned up and I bet he was wearing flannels and a vest. I suppo...
Read full storyBrooklyn Bridge to be Dismantled and Shipped to London
LONDON, ENGLAND - London's City Fathers, who have been smarting from public outcry since the original London Bridge was dismantled and carted away to the Arizona desert, think they finally have a way to make it up to the British people. They have...
Read full storyFamous North Dakota Landmark Destroyed
MITCHELL, SOUTH DAKOTA - A spokesman for the Corn Palace, a famous South Dakota landmark, announced today they have discovered the cause of the destruction of the structure. The Corn Palace, a large, ornate structure covered in decorative murals...
Read full storyOlder Scientist Has A Young Joey Heatherton On His Arm at Dinner
Dr. Phillip Rhodes apparently has made a breakthrough in body transfers or else he's having a joke on everyone, especially on his old comrades at the Think Tank. "Rhodes has always had this crush on sexy (30 years ago) Joey Heatherton and his goal...
Read full storyHollyweird's Hottest: Jessica Alba
Jessica Alba has starred in a string of so-so movies, including Going Nowhere, The Secret of Allie's Rack, Fantastic Foursome, and The Rise of the Silver Phallus. Walter Scott called her a "sex symbol," and, in 2006, when she was 25, Maxim named her 99th in its list of "99 Most Desirable Women." Since then, she has fallen off the chart, although FHM gave her an "honorable mention" in its 2007 "...
Read full storyPanic as Hubble Telescope Spots Incoming Borg
The United Nations Security Council was called into emergency session today when it was revealed that the Hubble telescope had spotted the Borg heading towards the solar system within two weeks of earth's orbit. After the session UN Secretary Gene...
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