F.A. may drop penalty shoot-outs
At last night's Annual General Meeting of the Football Association (F.A.), there was heated discussion about whether to abolish penalty shoot-outs at the end of major cup final games. Penalty shoot-outs were originally used to give strikers and go...
Read full storyYour Problem Page With Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse
Robert Pattinson The Geordie Horse was voted Number One Problem-Solving Equine in a Gallop Poll Dear Robert, I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do? Jim Carner Goodwood Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddle...
Read full storyYankees Prepare To Acquire Lebron James, Ben Roethlisberger In Bold Offseason Move
NEW YORK-The New York Yankees have once again infuriated sports fans everywhere by declaring their intention to acquire the contracts of Lebron James and Ben Roethlisberger, of the Miami Heat and Pittsburgh Steelers respectively. When asked if he...
Read full storyFriday Evening TV Listings - Dorking Region
6:00 - The Six O Clock Good News Dominic Blatter presents the good news, for those who don't particularly like bad news stuff about wars, crime, corruption etc. The good news shows furry animals doing comical things, and old people doing crazy stuff like wing walking on WWI biplanes. 6:30 - Regional News, Dorking Today Featuring an interview with a tramp, and a feature about viagra addic...
Read full story'14 hands of horseflesh between yer legs, eh Dave? '
London - A damage limitation exercise is under way tonight after someone posted 'doctored' pictures on the internet of David Cameron's face superimposed onto a bare-chested image of Vladimir Putin riding his favorite white charger 'Cool Sun'. Down...
Read full storyThe Executives of American Idol Tell Randy "The Dawg" Jackson To Stop Saying The Word "Yo" So Darn Much
HOLLYWOOD - It appears that by all accounts the executives of American Idol have finally convinced Randy "The Dawg" Jackson to stop using the term "Pitchy," which last season he used an average of 19 times per show. And now, "The Dawg" who boasts...
Read full storyDutch master Robben paints Wembley "Oranje"!
Tiny Holland renowned for producing their masters were in town last night to give their English apprentices a few lessons in how to become masters. Although the Dutch masters left a lot of their "wizadry" at home, it was still enough to give thei...
Read full storyAttempted Armed Robbery At Little Divot Post Office
The crime epidemic that has hit the once sleepy village of Little Divot reached a disturbing level yesterday after an armed man attempted to rob the local post office. Villagers were left stunned recently after half an ounce of weed and three cann...
Read full storySAT scores above 550 to re-education camps! GOP announces 2012 platform
Rick Santorum, candidate for president of the United States of America, announced this morning that he had introduced a plank in the GOP 2012 platform to send all high school students with a SAT score above 550 to re-education camps. "What we don't n...
Read full storyEPA & FDA Warning: Second-hand Estrogen hazardous to males!
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- Second-hand Estrogen (SHE) is more dangerous to males than even second-hand smoke, says a joint report issued Wednesay by the Enivironmental Protection Agency (EPA) and the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). "Second-ha...
Read full story"Octomom" favourite for Vixen Bingo's Mum of the Year
Often cited as the most prestigious of the Award season, the Vixen Bingo's Celebrity Mum of the Year award is once again upon us. Whilst we have know for months now that "Octomom" Nadya Suleman would be installed as favourite, her odds have lengthene...
Read full storyBusiness moguls' 50p Shock
The Government has been attacked by people who earn over £300,000 a year because they are tired of the taxing tune 'All I want is 50p!' 'It is time these lyrics were updated' said business executive Gimmy More 'I think the wording should be change...
Read full storyDonald Trump Says He Does Not Want To See Sacha Baron Cohen's Birth Certificate - He Wants Him Deported
NEW YORK CITY - Multi-billionaire Donald Trump has never been one to hold back on how he feels. The star of The Celebrity Apprentice has made it known that he did not like Admiral General Aladeen alias Sacha Baron Cohen's Academy Award Red Carpet...
Read full storySambas Final Solution
Ex-Blackburn Rovers captain, Half Man- Half Flesh Fortress, Chris Samba says his move to Mafia legally run Russian side Anzhi Makhachkala was not purely about money. The club which was founded by Russians who saw all the poverty, starvation and c...
Read full storyElectric Pineapple's Artois Armond Gordon To Sue Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Behalf of the Monkees
London- Artois Armond Gordon, lead singer and song writer for heavy meat band Electric Pineapple, says he will sue the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for its failure to include The Monkees. "I can understand why Electric Pineapple is not in there, we...
Read full storyJ-Lo and Mariah Carey Line Up at Justin Bieber's Back Door for 18th Birthday
Reportedly not wanting to miss out on the celebratory and legal milestone birthday fun, both Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez were seen just outside the festivities at Justin Bieber's 18th birthday bash. While publicists for the two mature entertai...
Read full storyHuman Frights Court blocks International Space Station's Lucan footage
Strasbourg - He's been snapped at a late night Barking kebab takeaway, the Tories' Winter Ball and last year's Wimbledon Ladies' Championship finals. Today judges at the European Court of Human Frights refused to release 'pirated' ISS footage of t...
Read full storyFirst Bye, Bye, Birdie and Now Don't Cry for Rondo, Boston!
The Ides of March loom ahead. Though young fans only know the Ides of March as a George Clooney movie, it has ramifications more far-reaching than that. It is the day of destiny; it is the NBA trade deadline. Originally meant to be a day to sac...
Read full storyAuthor of Mandatory ROTC Bill Sent to Hospital After Seeing Ghosts
PHILIPPINES -- Cebu Representative Eduardo Gullas, one of the authors of series of house bills that revives mandatory Reserve Officers Training Corps (ROTC) for male college students, was admitted to a nearby hospital after fainting from seeing a gho...
Read full storyThe Top 12 Girls Perform on American Idol and A 16-Year-Old Blows The Judges and The Audience Away!
HOLLYWOOD - Twelve female singers took the stage on American Idol's "Girls Night." And when the smoke had cleared, the lights had stop flashing, and the musical instruments had all been silenced, five of the American Idol girl hopefuls stood out.
Read full storyKaty Perry Jumps At The Chance To Guest Star With Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev on The Vampire Diaries
LOS ANGELES - Katy Perry says that she is starting to feel a little bit better about herself and realizes that she knows she tried to make her marriage to Russell Brand work. Perry sat in the outdoor patio of The Enchanted Enchilada in Redondo Bea...
Read full storyRussell Brand Confesses That Kate Gosselin Makes His Toes Tingle and His Lap Feel Frisky
SANTA MONICA BEACH - Russell Brand and Kate Gosselin have only been dating for a little over a week and they are already making waves (no pun intended) as they frolicked in the warm waters off Santa Monica Beach. Brand wore a black swimsuit with t...
Read full storyAshton Kutcher & Halle Berry - Ashton Admits He's Still Attracted To "Cougars"
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Ashton Kutcher was recently spotted having dinner alone at a local Pompous Pizza Parlor. The star of the TV sitcom Two and A Half Men was asked by Pia Confetti of The El Lay Informer if it was true that he has been wanting to date...
Read full storyThe Haunting of Goosey Holler, Kentucky (Bluegrass #5)
(Pete's Country Store, 1938) Jim Lindsey is having a soda pop at Pete's Country Store and there's been an argument over who was winning the checker game when it accidentally got knocked onto the floor. "Billy Joe knew he had lost so he dumped our checkers." "I know. He's known to do that. He also claims he's not feared of any man alive. You heard him." "I had six men and two kings an...
Read full storyMore From The Problem Page
With This Week's Guest Editor: 20th Century Philosopher Of Being Martin Heidegger (James Corden says: "Top man! Being all over the media like a rash is so stressing. Jack Black introduced me to Heidegger's 'Überwindung der Metaphysik' on the set of Gulliver's Travels: it's the perfect way to touch base after a hard day feeding my already-bloated ego." Dear Martin, as a mature man, it is...
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