Rangers' chairman devises plan to pay clubs tax bill
Rangers chairman Craig Whyte has revealed to close friends how he plans to pay the tax bill that forced the Scottish Premier League Champions into administration, forcing the SPL to deduct them 10 points. A friend of a friend of a friend of a frie...
Read full storyOil Companies Creating Special Packaging for $5-a-Gallon Gas
Houston, Texas -- As gasoline prices ratchet up past the $4-a-gallon mark, the oil industry is preparing a more luxurious way to present its increasingly costly product to consumers. "Think expensive fragrances, top-shelf liquor and premium cosmet...
Read full storyMario Balotelli reveals lack of goal celebration v Porto in Europa League.
Wacky Italian footballer Mario Balotelli today stole the show at the press conference for the Man City v Porto Europa League second leg. In a performance of Cantona-esque proportions he explained his refusal to celebrate the crucial goal in the fi...
Read full storyThe New Demi Lovato Blonde Bobblehead Dolls Are Flying Off The Retail Store Shelves
CHICAGO - The Word Consumer Product Agency has just announced their February consumer focus report. Vinton Onionzook spokesperson for The Word stated that the nation's current product purchasing trend is definitely leaning towards the brand new De...
Read full storyBack my vision by emptying Stamford Bridge on matchdays, AVB tells Abramovich
Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has urged owner Roman Abramovich to back his blueprint for the long-term future of the club by insisting all matches played at Stamford Bridge be completely free of home fans. The Portuguese feels a lack of suppor...
Read full storySpoof writer resigns, joins Santorum campaign!
T. J. McCorkle, a leading writer for the web site, The Spoof resigned from the site today to join the Rick Santorum campaign. The site quoted from McCorkle's resignation letter; "It is with great regret that I must inform you I will no longer be...
Read full storyTaylor Swift & Zac Efron Finally Admit They Are A Couple
After spending weeks denying that they were a couple and spending most of their time together when not recording duets, Taylor Swift told The Nashville Cats Music Magazine that "Yes we ARE a couple." Why they would not admit it on national televis...
Read full storyWorld continues despite fat lady singing
Doomsday theorists were left scratching their heads again recently when another widely publicised world-ending prophecy failed to materialise. Observers were given very little notice for the most recent 'Rapture' warning when German fashion tosser...
Read full storyGlamour Guns & Ammo Opens High-End Shop on Rodeo Drive
Proud gun owner Patricia "Pickles" McQuarty of Lubbock, Texas has just announced the grand opening of her new high-end gun shop on fabulous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, California. The shop will offer some of the finest guns made by manufacturers fr...
Read full storyThe State of Texas Discontinues The Practice of Giving Death Row Inmates Who Are To Be Executed Their "Last Meal" Request
HUNTSVILLE, Texas - Convicted criminal Lawrence Russell Brewer was convicted of a crime so horribly heinous that it cannot even be mentioned in a family publication. The state of Texas has historically allowed any convict who is getting ready to b...
Read full storyChancellor Can't Count Shocker
Tory Chancellor Tristram Tossington-Whelk was left red faced yesterday after yet another mathematical gaffe. Tossington-Whelk was holding his monthly press conference when he was quizzed on the size of the national debt by Dee Parting of the 'Dail...
Read full storyFacing Up to the Breast Farce
Farcebook has decided the public cannot face up to seeing a baby breast feeding - so now we can breath a sigh of relief, get adult and keep watching breasts without babies attached. Farcebook explained today that the internet was not the place for...
Read full storyDo Not Touch Blue Ivy™: Beyonce Gets Restraining Order Against The World.
Beyonce and Jay-Z have sent a message to their servants, hangers-on, millionaire pseudofriends and the unwashed masses alike: You may gaze upon Blue Ivy™, but only from 15 feet away. And she's done so with a Retraining Order against the ent...
Read full storyEyeless In Gaza: newspaper denies it sent a 'female pirate' to Syria
London - Images of a woman wearing a black eye patch were described today as non-piratical despite some obvious comments. Apparently reporter Marie Colvin only posed in the fetching Yasser Arafat-esque eye patch 'to appease Somali pirate sympathis...
Read full storyIt's Just Plane Crazy
Peanut Choking Horror - Who said airline snacks are safe? Not Mr. Fred Flatula, who stated, "I did not realize that one peanut could mean the difference between life and oblivion." Turnaround Airlines say, "Our peanuts are as safe as anyone else'...
Read full storyCastration of German sex offenders is degrading say the CPT (Maybe their victims think differently)!
The European Committee for the Prevention of Torture and Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment (CPT) have called castration for sex-offenders degrading and the process should be forbidden. Although castration happens rarely because most sex...
Read full storyRajon Rondo Turns 26 Today; and the Worm Turns Too!
As the world turns, Rondo turns 26, and the Celtics take a downturn. Inquiring minds are already at work, trying to determine what gift Thunder star Kendrick Perkins laid on Rajon Rondo for his birthday at their private party last night. Alread...
Read full storyAdele's Middle Finger Incident Reportedly Result of Nerve Damage
Following significant controversy over singer Adele's middle finger flip at the London Brit Awards, her publicist and friends stepped forward to deny that the perceived insult was actually intentional. Explaining to the press that her middle finge...
Read full storyNASA Fires Publicity Department after Latest Black Hole Headlines
Following a series of news reports about NASA's ability to "sniff the wind coming from a new black hole", the entire publicity department at the Kennedy Space Center was given their walking papers. "It might have been an honest mistake yes, but on...
Read full storyCanada's massive 1989 electromagnetic pulse attack 'was attempt to self-nuke'
Quebec - It's looking increasingly like Canada let off a nuclear bomb in space in 1989 according to some scary files released today. Quite who or what they wanted to nuke remains unclear because NATO, the Pentagon, the CIA and every major security...
Read full storyBrits organisers say sorry as Adele is cut off in full flow
LONDON - James Corden today blamed producers for the decision to cut Adele's Brits acceptance speech short because of an overrunning TV schedule. The host of the music awards told the Evening Spoofard it was "awful" to force her off the stage to m...
Read full storyHoroscopes Are A Complete Waste Of Time - Local Man Asserts
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today came out with a full on assault against people who believe in horoscopes, runes, tarot cards, and what he described as 'related tomfoolery.' "It's absolute numptyism is that," Shuttlecock told reporters. "Nobod...
Read full storyFrank Lampard and Christine Bleakley To Wed In Mayo?
Excitement is growing in the condiments community over speculation that Chelsea star Frank Lampard is to wed his TV presenter squeeze Christine Bleakley in mayonnaise later this year. Rumours that the wedding will take place at Ashford Castle, Con...
Read full storyPolitician's Dictionary
Amarulence: How politicians think of the voters - Bitterness, spite. Aphnology: What Politicians are preoccupied with - The study of wealth. Back-hander: Only the very new, or the two honest MP's in Parliament would not know what this means - A bribe or illegal inducement. Bank: Where politicians prefer not to store their ill-gotten back-handers and bribes, preferring to use Overseas...
Read full storyHow to win the heart of a woman
Our world is full of triviality and absurdity; some are ignorable; some, disturbing. In certain parts of the world, cheap impostors normally attach themselves to various authorities, dead or alive. One simple scheme is quoting. Episode 1 here is a harmless quoting, but the second episodes are somehow disturbing. Episode I: My old grandma was naturally spiritual. Since we had no clock around the...
Read full storyNottingham Health & Safety Executive Close Down Stalls at Charity Fair
Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc. The Council's Chief Executive...
Read full storyAge is a very high price to pay for maturity!
As I am getting older, more senile, and my health is deteriorating, I thought it would be nice to pass on some tips and advice for the youngsters while relating some of the happenings from my past, to help prepare them for the (if they live that long) approach of decrepitude. I have lived (using the word loosely) in Nottingham for most of my pathetic life, so I suppose this guide to life will b...
Read full storyVegetable Show Drama
Local farmer Arthur Choke, better known as Artie, caused a stir at the annual Edinburgh vegetable show yesterday. Farmer Choke, famed for his prize giant cucumbers, withdrew his competition entry, drawing speculation from other competitors. Whe...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez Want The Age Old Practice of Lip Syncing Stopped Once and For All
ASHLAND, Wisconsin - One of the happiest celebrity couples in America, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez flew out to Ashland, Wisconsin. A group of retired Wisconsin Amalgamated Power & Light workers spent a total of 48 hours building the largest...
Read full storyRepublicans to Pass Sex Tax - Mandate Weekly Sex Testing For Women Only
WASHINGTON DC (AP) Late yesterday, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Hooterville) announced stiff new legislation that would enact a national sex tax by "sex testing" all women every week. The Congressman explained that women would be require...
Read full storyHealth Minister in War on Obesity
The Government announced a controversial new law yesterday designed to curb the rise in British obesity. Tory Health Minister, Sir Geoffrey Poshlaces QC explained. "The new legislation makes it a legal requirement for all take-aways and fast food...
Read full storyWhy Burkas On American Women Would Be A Great Idea...
Burkas are the head to toe traditional wear for adult females in the most fundamentalist of Islamic countries. They are designed to cover up all possibilities of erotic stimulation coming from even the oldest of women. Standard wear in much of Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, they are scorned as repressive by women throughout the rest of the world. It bears reexamining, however, as Western women migh...
Read full storyIn The Wake Of Bin Laden's Burial At Sea, Michael Bay Warns CIA To Up Its Security Of The AllSpark
HOLLYWOOD-When he heard the news that the infamous mass murderer and terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden was dead, Hollywood director and self-proclaimed political advisor Michael Bay, sighed with relief. But when he heard that they decided to b...
Read full storyAdele asks for just one more minute to finish her emotional Brits speech
Adele has been lambasted by newspapers suggesting that she made a rude gesture at the end of an acceptance speech during the Brit music awards. However, on watching the event in slow motion, it becomes obvious that she was just asking for an extra o...
Read full storySelected Ridiculous Letters To The Editor
Dear Sir, I note that Paddington Bear will appear at Dalemain country house near Ullswater on the 25th and 26th of February, where he will visit The World's Original Marmalade Awards & Festival. He won't, though, not really. Because he doesn't actually exist, does he? Some soft-headed twerp buys his idiotic wife a teddy bear, then decides to write a book about an imaginary bear. It t...
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