HOLLYWOOD-When he heard the news that the infamous mass murderer and terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden was dead, Hollywood director and self-proclaimed political advisor Michael Bay, sighed with relief. But when he heard that they decided to bury the former America's Most Wanted and inimitable master of disguise at sea, he began to get the feeling that he'd seen this all somewhere before.
"The undisputed leader and face of the evil forces heroically destroyed by a group of underdogs?" Mr. Bay questioned out loud to himself late Sunday night. "The body quickly and silently buried at sea? Yeah, I've definitely seen this before." Mr. Bay, upon realizing the gravity of the situation, quickly leapt to action and contacted the CIA.
"He just kept going on and on about something called the AllSpark," said CIA spokesperson Clifford Ghent. "He really wouldn't give it up. He said we had to protect it with our lives, and not to be distracted by the robot cat terrorist, whatever the hell that means." Continued Ghent, "I just thought he was another crazy person. We've been getting them all day." When he was finally informed that he was talking to thee Michael Bay, legendary director of such instant classics as The Island and three Meat Loaf music videos, Ghent said that definitely explained the explosion sounds with which he ended all his sentences.
The Allspark, a cube-shaped artifact adorned with mysterious glyphs and cryptic designs, is believed to be capable of giving life to electronic and mechanical objects through its unknown alien powers. According to Bay, this is the only thing that could bring Bin Laden back to power as he's fairly certain he's a robot in disguise like that one girl in his movie for some reason, and thus its protection should become a number one priority. He claims with unwavering certainty that the terrorists will soon attempt a large-scale assault on an unidentified military complex to obtain the life-restoring cube. He also said to expect robots.
"This certainly isn't the first time Bay has reached out to us," admitted Ghent. "Two days after 9/11, he called to ask us why we hadn't heeded his warning. He said he thought he had been rather clear in The Rock." Ghent claimed he went on to say he had "predicted" several other major national tragedies in his various films, from the obvious foreshadowing of Hurricane Katrina in Pearl Harbor, to the major hint at the impending housing market collapse in that scene in Bad Boys II where they drive a Hummer down a shack-infested hillside.
"If the terrorists ever get their hands on the AllSpark, then we're all doomed," Bay went on to say. "All they need to do is swim down to the ocean floor where Bin Laden was beautifully laid to rest, and plunge the AllSpark into his chest. Then all the newly resurrected Osama has to do is fly up into space, where he can begin his true reign of terror." A clearly frightened Bay took a moment to stare off into space, probably thinking of what that would mean for humanity, before continuing on. "If that ever does happen, I told them [the CIA] to contact Secretary of Defense Jon Voight and that pretty boy soldier. They seem to know how to handle these sorts of things. You know what? I'll call Shia right now too. Contractually, I think he needs to be there."
As of press time, Michael Bay was rumored to be pestering NASA to come clean with the truth about the moon landing, because "they're going to find out summer 2011 anyway."