Horoscopes Are A Complete Waste Of Time - Local Man Asserts

Written by Skoob1999

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


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Oh Look - It's Written In The Stars! - Is It Bollocks!

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today came out with a full on assault against people who believe in horoscopes, runes, tarot cards, and what he described as 'related tomfoolery.'

"It's absolute numptyism is that," Shuttlecock told reporters. "Nobody should ever fall for that load of old crap. It basically means that anyone who's born at the same time of the year as you has similar characteristics, which is patently a load of old shite. How can fat bastards like that Russell Grant, or weirdos like that Mystic Meg, divide the human race into a dozen neatly compartmentalised boxes? It's basically just a load of old bollocks."

Research has demonstrated that astrological charts are based on planetary motion, and that the movement of the planets dictates to us who and what we are.

"Bollocks!" an infuriated Shuttlecock raged. "When I was spewed out into the world, I didn't give a flying fuck what Jupiter was doing up Uranus. I had more pressing things to do, such as breathing. Which isn't easy when you'be got some midwife holding you upside down by the ankles and slapping your arse."

Psychics also came under fire from the South coast based Salfordian critic of all things supernatural.

"That's bollocks too," he said. "The only spirits I ever knew that worked came out of a bottle. And you can stick yer fuckin' runestones and yer tarot cards right up yer arse. Superstitious idiots. You can't tell me that your whole life is determined by what time of year you were born, or the turn of a silly fucking playing card - Ooh! It's the Death card! - I'm shitting meself now! What a load of old shite!"

It transpires that Shuttlecock's ire was roused by an incident many years ago when a date refused to see him again because their star signs were incompatable - a conclusion she had apparently reached after reading a book which she'd borrowed from the local library.

"I was gutted," Shuttlecock commented. "She was well tasty and she kicked me to the kerb because of bleedin' starsigns. I ask yer! What's that all about?"

Long suffering wife, Anne, told reporters that she would be closely monitoring Shuttlecock's internet activity for the forseeable future, and warned:

"If I find out the daft bastard's been on Arsebook or Glands Reunited trying to re-establish contact with Fanny By Bastard Gaslight from Warrington, there'll be fucking trouble. Be warned."

In an attempt to defuse a potentially tense stand-off, Shuttlecock announced that his next verbal onslaught would be directed at conspiracy theorists.

"That'll be to do with that bloody Joanna Piano from Ardwick, I expect," Anne told reporters. "I'm watching the daft bastard, don't you worry your head. One step out of line and I'll nail his bollocks to the Welsh Dresser."

This could signal the end for Shuttlecock.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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