Drought! South-East England swelters under normal weather
From London to Gainsborough, the south and east coasts of Britain have officially been labelled as Drought Stricken by the Met Office, after no rain fell there for three consecutive days. "We had a bit of snow a fortnight ago," said met office spo...
Read full storyBible to get 21st century facelift inc phone app
It has been announced that the traditional King James Bible is to be revised into a modern day language "Bible App," available for i Pads, I Phones and Android for 89p. Its aim is to get young people interested in mainstream traditional religious...
Read full storyAdam & Eve: "How, for God's sake, were we supposed to fucking know!"
In a satellite news conference from an unknown location, Adam & Eve held a press conference late this afternoon. The broadcast was deemed authentic by NASA. The world was startled as the broadcast was in all of the known languages. The picture was bright and clear as Adam spoke first. Adam: "How, for God's sake, were we supposed to fucking know!" It's time, however, for you to know and p...
Read full storyRaw and Gritty and Right Up In Your Face: The true story of Gary and the Gobshites.
There is absolutely no doubt that one of the most successful, one of the most controversial and one of the most outspoken bands of the 1980s was U2, Culture Club and Frankie Goes to Hollywood. And yet none of them match up to the pure post-punk, pre-power-pop, rough-pop-rock panache of Gary and the Gobshites. Gary and the Gobshites epitomised the very essence of raging teen angst in the early...
Read full storyRush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to Exchange Vows
Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are to be married Sunday evening at the Wingnut Country Club in West Palm Beach. The Rev. Glenn Beck, a minister of, Jesus American Savior Church, is to officiate. Mr. Limbaugh, 35, will be keeping his name. He is t...
Read full storyDownton Abbey Ends and Downtown Fenway Begins
The aristocrats in England are going on hiatus as the overblown kingpins in Boston are back at it. Yes, folks, the British prestige series came to an end Sunday with the tabloids ready to pounce on the scandalous behavior of the eldest daughter, a...
Read full storyA Recent Poll Finds That 95% Of Hotmail Accounts Were Created For The Sole Purpose Of Collecting Spam
CONCORD, NH-Findings from a recent poll taken by the University of New Hampshire show that 95% of Hotmail accounts were created as a result of people not wanting to register their good emails when prompted to do so by shady sites. "Sure, I'll tak...
Read full storyThe Federal Reserve Makes Money Disappear
Washington, DC -- Say goodbye to the almighty dollar. In a unanimous decision, the Federal Reserve's Board of Governors has voted to abolish the use of money in the United States, effective immediately. "The world's economic system is broken beyon...
Read full storyFormer Messiah now PGA Pro
ORLANDO FL (ABSNN) -- Clem Feathersucker, formerly known to billions as Jesus Christ, finished his three-month long Professional Golfer Association Pre-tour School Saturday. He graduated fifth in his class of thirty new golf professionals. "I pla...
Read full storyFlat, synthetic hamburger discovered by Dutch scientists!
Maastricht, Holland: In the University of Maastricht Dutch scientists have discovered how to make synthetic hamburgers and a top Scottish burger chain has bought all rights for further development. The global empire owned by the McDonald family re...
Read full storyRick Santorum: "Boys rule!"
The Associated Press is reporting this morning that Presidential candidate Rick Santorum opened his remarks to a large crowd of supporters yesterday by saying, "Boys rule!" The attendees were made up equally of men and women who looked to their husba...
Read full storyRussell Brand and Kate Gosselin Sneak Off To Cabo San Lucas, Mexico For Some Flirtatious Fun In The Sun
CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - Kate Gosselin has taken up Russell Brand's offer of helping her to get over her breakup with American Idol's Steven Tyler. And Brand, who filed for divorce from Katy Perry almost two months ago, is reportedly more than gla...
Read full storyMurdoch Defies Weather Forecast
Weather expert Rupert Murdoch, known for his far sighted forecasts, has dramatically defied his forecasting colleagues by predicting 'Sunny weather from March'. However meteorologists from the famed 'Hacking News' have poured scorn on the Murdoch...
Read full storySky One to launch 'Louie Spence on Gangs'
Sky One has announced that Pineapple studios choreographer and Dancing on Ice judge Louie Spence is to host a re-launched and revamped '..on gangs' series. Replacing Nookie bear faced former Eastenders hard man Ross Kemp, Spence will front the new...
Read full storyWest Ham To Win
A meeting at Upton Park for Football supporters has decided West Ham will lead the Championship at the end of the year. This all embracing meeting did not invite fans from Southampton, Birmingham or Reading because their views did not coincide wit...
Read full storyJoblessness could affect millions
With unemployment among the working classes reaching record levels, a similar problem could well permeate the upper classes. Increasing numbers of toffs are worrying about 'joblessness' (which is a posh word for 'unemployment'). And hundreds of JS...
Read full storyNorwegian Forest Cat slurs explained
Oslo - The Norwegian Forest Cat Fanciers Association today backed down over some defamatory remarks published online about the breed's proclivities. An article in Pussy News Oslo-Style apparently repeated that ages old chestnut about the mogs havi...
Read full storyRangers: Whyte Millions found in 'Rosie47' account - Redknapp Clueless.
Glasgow: "Because the money is not there as it once was" said Craig Whyte in answer to a question about future player spending, perhaps inadvertently providing a clue to HMRC as to whether they may get their money back or not. 'Not' being the operati...
Read full storyPonderisms and Life Quips
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3· Life is sexually transmitted. 4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying i...
Read full storyMedia company apologises after Nazi van naming gaffe
Red-faced Maiden Media have apologised after it emerged that they inadvertently named one of their fleet of technician's vans after a world war two Dutch Nazi. The vans cheekily bearing the name of famous stars of film, TV and music with 'Van' eit...
Read full storyWhy are there no volcanos on the moon? Better question: who gives a crap?
HARFOLD, Vt. - Several students at Harfold State College reacted in anger at the news released this week by NASA that there could never be volcanoes on the Moon. "Who gives a shit?" asked Philip Alders, a junior majoring in automotive history. "It...
Read full storyRichard Dawkins disbelieves his ancestors were slave traders!
Atheist fundamentalist and evolution crackpot Richard Dawkins is reeling from the shock revelation that his direct ancestors made their fortune from the slave trade. Having spent years criticising organised religion for its various failings, it co...
Read full storyAction Urged Over Propelling Pencil Safety
Government and health officials are being urged to take action over safety issues relating to propelling pencils. The call comes after a weekend when a local man "narrowly escaped death" while trying to replace the lead in his Yard-O-Led pencil.
Read full storyNot So Fast, Homos: Governor Christie Vetoes Same-Sex Marriage Bill
Homosexuals state-wide are putting their wedding registries at Block Party and Andrew Christian on indefinite hold, now that gigantic, half-witted New Jersey Republican Governor Chris Christie has veto a law which would make same-sex marriage legal i...
Read full storyKenny Dalglish Apologises For Earlier Apology
Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish has said in a moving statement on the club's website that he regrets apologising for his after-match reaction in the Luis Suarez 'racial abuse' case, and now stands by his earlier statement when he claimed that he was...
Read full storyHistorical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Around The Slab Square
Penned by a Nottingham resident and decrepit impecunious pensioner, of great senility and ill health Mr Inchcock. with the hopes of encouraging.. er... well something! On my last walk around Nottingham City's abandoned shops... I mean City Centre, I came across some council workers removing a sign from the wall. The sign read: Visit Nottingham Castle to hear the fables of Robin Hood and his...
Read full storyThe Celebrity Apprentice Premiers and Former Super Model Cheryl Tiegs is The First One Fired By Donald Trump
NEW YORK CITY - Season 12 of The Celebrity Apprentice kicked off with 18 celebrities including singers Clay Aiken, Debbie Gibson, Aubrey O'Day, and Dee Snider, who is better known as the lead singer for Twisted Sister. Other celebrities included t...
Read full storyOscar Watch Fever Pitch
As Oscar fever reaches fever pitch George Clooney has inflated himself with a potentially dangerous level of helium and is hovering several feet above Los Angeles spouting epithets. More surprisingly Brad Pitt, of whom nothing was expected, has ne...
Read full storyThe Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler Feud Is Getting Downright Nasty!
HOLLYWOOD - Joan Rivers recently said that if Chelsea Handler wants to get into a catfight with her then she will find out exactly how viciously mean a Yiddish cat can really be. The woman who has more plastic in her body than a whole platoon of l...
Read full storyFred the Shred Offers to Buy Rangers
Irresponsible Scots financier Fred Goodwin has lodged a bid with the club's administrators to buy Rangers. Fred, formerly Sir Fred, said in his shed that he had the funds to rescue the popular Unionist outfit from their current malaise. "I have -...
Read full storyChaz Bono Set To Host The Brand New TV Reality Show "The Celebrity Cupcake Eaters"
HOLLYWOOD - Cable television's Nutritional Channel has just announced their latest reality show titled The Celebrity Cupcake Eaters. Nutritional Channel spokesperson Newberry "Mr. Calories" Calamasetti informed the entertainment media that the sho...
Read full storyWith FOX's Revival of 'Flintstones', Seth MacFarlane Set To Replace Alcoholism With Bitter Failure
At the offices of second tier reality-show broadcaster FOX, ratings wins like 'From Rigor Mortis To Burial: The Whitney Houston Funeral' and longevity milestones like the 500th episode of 'The Simpsons' are paving the way to a revamped Sunday line up...
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