Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Around The Slab Square

Funny story written by Inchcock

Monday, 20 February 2012

image for Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Around The Slab Square
Nottingham attendees on their way to the Job Centre Plus offices

Penned by a Nottingham resident and decrepit impecunious pensioner, of great senility and ill health Mr Inchcock. with the hopes of encouraging.. er... well something!

On my last walk around Nottingham City's abandoned shops... I mean City Centre, I came across some council workers removing a sign from the wall.

The sign read:
Visit Nottingham Castle to hear the fables of Robin Hood and his Merry Men

The graffiti written below it said:
Then visit Nottingham Council House to hear the fables of the
Merry Men and there robbing hoods

"I thought it was hilarious!

Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham - Around The Slab Square

In Lions at the front of the Council House
Created by Joseph Else, the 2 stone art-deco lions stand guard on either side of the entrance steps. They are similar in design to the lions used to publicise the British Empire Exhibition at Wembley in 1924-25. There are alternative 'names' attached to them, some people call them "Menelaus and Agamemnon", others "Leo and Oscar".
Whatever their names, arranging to meet 'At The Lions' has become an essential part of Nottinghamian life since the building opened.

The Left side Lion
where the higher class 'Totties' would gather, hoping to ply their trade with the more affluent visitors to the 'Black Boy' hotel just along the road. (£3 and £5 servicing provided... I am told)
A popular meeting point for the shoplifting squads and locals. The regular appearances of Protest meetings, Big Issue sellers, a Parking Attendants favourite point of observational value, and during the regular various foreign markets, a pickpockets haven.
The Right side Lion
Where local PC's Dennis 'Tug' Wilson (7' 2½ inches) and Geoffrey Baker (6' 8½ inches) would position themselves to keep a keen eye on the populous of the City, and responding to questions from the public, and always alert.
The more popular of the Lions as a meeting-up place.
The graffiti is cleaned off regularly nowadays.
The CPO's (Community Police Officers), and occasionally a real PC can be seen using their mobile phones, and if they are needed, as soon as they end their phone call, citizens can speak to them.

Special Foreign Market's
No Special Foreign Market's were held then.
Themed markets are a regular appearance in the slab square nowadays. Themes include: European Foods, German Foods, French Products, and Asian Foods.

The Sacheverell riots of 1710, riots were a series of public disorder outbreaks that spread across England during the spring, summer and autumn of 1710 in which supporters of the Tories attacked property and places of worship of Whigs St Mary's Church just off the Slab square becoming a victim.
The Spitalfield Riots of 1769, Luddite Riots of 1812, Reform Bill riots of 1831, Racial Riots of 1958, Protest Riots of 1981, and the Protest Riots of 2011 all had occasion to play put their violence, along with other locations, on the Nottingham Slab Square.

I recall a few skirmishes between Mods and Rockers, and between football fans occasionally.
Last year there were 455 shoplifters arrested, 211 for using threatening behaviour or using violence. One murder. Nine stabbings. 156 assaults. 18 nights of rioting activity. 3 police vehicles fire-bombed and attacked. 4 police officers hospitalised. 9 Ram raids. 11 shop raids with violence. 2 street dwellers died. 8 people knocked over by drunken or illegal drivers. 4 Taxi drivers robbed and assaulted, and 126 muggings.

Black Taxi's with white bonnets and boots lined the right side of the Slab Square. Fairs from 1/3p (5d)
Trolley and Motor-buses with conductors ruled in this year. Tickets from 1p
Custom designed and built Taxi's are now ranked off the Square. Fairs from... I don't know, I can't afford to use them nowadays.
Trams and Motor-buses without conductors rule now. Tickets from 90p

Retailers/Trade outlets
There were about 65 businesses around the square.
Lyons Cafe being another popular meeting place for Nottingham residents.
There is still about 65 businesses around the square, but a third of them are closed down.
There are now far more eateries, less banks, and the proliferation of Charity Shops were not around in 1963.
The new fountains are a popular place for unemployed benefit seekers, immigrants, and wino's to meet, nest to the Occupy Nottingham protesters camp of about 18 tents and couple of kiosks.

In the event of anyone being tempted to move to Nottingham for it's Multiculturalism, Wealth, Serenity, or Placid lifestyle, as a result of these meanderings - Please read between the lines!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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