Bible to get 21st century facelift inc phone app

Written by dulcie gabbani

Monday, 20 February 2012


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It has been announced that the traditional King James Bible is to be revised into a modern day language "Bible App," available for i Pads, I Phones and Android for 89p.

Its aim is to get young people interested in mainstream traditional religious belief, and this drastic action is being taken due to plummeting church attendances by people under the age of 60. This joint venture between the Church of England and The Vatican, they hope, will result in getting millions more "bums on seats" at Sunday services.

In the same way that the current bible is made up of stories that were hundreds of years old before been written, then the revised new version will add modern day scenario's to replace the stuffy, dull stories from the off putting original.

Its a gamble for the "big two" but a spokesman for the Vatican's accountants handling the switchover said, "If this comes off, it could make the churches some serious wonga. Imagine all those new customers flocking to church every week, it could pull in millions. It could be that big, we might even have to get Goldman Sachs to sort out our tax affairs"

In a bid to make the change happen, both sides have hired top rappers in a £4.5m contract to turn church attendances around, by translating the old bible into modern day speak.

"The rap stars have a three year contract, yeh, to rewrite all of da current bible gubbins to a bang tidy 21st century standard, and I mean ALL of that stuff, even that weird shit with the dead guy that runs around after been dead for a bit...Larry Zeus, or some shit like that, well him" the Vatican's hip hop spokesman announced.

At the time of going to press we were only able to obtain a leaked memo outlining a revised version of how a story from the good book, would translate into modern day language for the app.

The famous bible quote that had been modernised was "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." [Matthew 7:12] , has been amended to read "So I was like Bro, do you want someone to do that to you huh ?, then dont yo be doing that to them yer hear, or some bitch gonna slap yo sorry bad ass one day".

More when we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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