Rangers: Whyte Millions found in 'Rosie47' account - Redknapp Clueless.

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Monday, 20 February 2012


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image for Rangers: Whyte Millions found in 'Rosie47' account - Redknapp Clueless.
Match police can't confirm whether this £1 coin was thrown as a missile or it was in fact a new takeover bid for the club

Glasgow: "Because the money is not there as it once was" said Craig Whyte in answer to a question about future player spending, perhaps inadvertently providing a clue to HMRC as to whether they may get their money back or not. 'Not' being the operative word.

Following the shock announcement that Rangers have indeed entered into administration, the hunt for the money was on. Since Whyte took over Rangers, HMRC themselves are 'in it' to the tune of £9 Million of unpaid tax.

Administrators Paul Clark and David Whitehouse, known affectionately to Whyte as 'Moody-chops' & 'Baldy', have been trying to locate the £24 Million pound that has been 'mortgaged' for four years worth of future ticket sales by Ticketus. With talks of offshore accounts, parent companies, tax havens, EBTs (Extra Bung Trusts) and the murky world of Whyte's past being thrust into the limelight, it was inevitable that good old 'Arry would find himself involved.

"Triffic, wotcha 'xpect me to say?" said 'Arry expectedly, as his car window shut tight when asked how he felt when it was revealed to him, that the missing Rangers money ended up in the 'Rosie47' account.

Just like the old saying of waiting for a bus and then three come along at once, so it was with another tax evasion case pursued by HMRC. Currently losing 2-0, this was a chance for them to make up some ground, whilst rightfully claiming back taxpayers money.

Craig Whyte, looking more suited to a career at The House of Common Thieves in Westminster, given his alleged murky financial history, did not dare attend Rangers shock home defeat to Kilmarnock at the weekend, for fear of the crowd and more importantly HMRC demanding "Where's the money gone, where's the money gone?"
"Far, Far, Away", you could almost hear Whyte hum along to himself amusingly, had he been present to face the music.

Snow Smoke without Fire!

Strathclyde police are also investigating claims by various 'spurious sources' that evidence of a paper trail that leads to this and the other missing monies, has been destroyed.

Reports are coming in that 10 new industrial strength shredding machines have been bulk purchased by 'an employee' of Rangers and sent to various 'Whyte related' premises including those of his solicitors, accountants, Rangers football ground itself and anyone else that knows him.

CCTV images uploaded onto youtube, show a large waste disposal truck arrive at the back of Ibrox, with the words, 'Waste Paper Only - Confidentiality Guaranteed by Liberty Capital' clear to see in white.
Indeed, local residents near Ibrox noted that before the truck arrived, it had strangely started 'snowing white bits' near a window at the ground, but nowhere else. The truck was seen to drive off towards the area of the local incinerator. Concerned residents nearby the incinerator later complained to the council as one by one, the 'privately hired' trucks from each destination rolled into the plant. Peoples homes, gardens and cars were being covered in snowflakes of ash, smelling strongly of burnt paper. Chaos prevailed as accidents led to traffic congestion, such was the abundance of the ash caused by the ever increasing truckloads of 'Never-dence', sorry evidence.


Whyte, known to 40 of his 'friends' as Ali Baba, is a gambler, a self confessed fan of The Million Pound Drop Live game show, which he wanted to take part in too. This is a game where contestants gamble on 3 answers with £1 Million Pound of someone else's money, keeping the money if they get a question right, whilst incorrectly answered questions would see the money going down a black hole, never to be seen again.
Or as Whyte said himself, as he appeared as guest of honour at the recently and conveniently formed [for the author] Million Pound Drop Live Gaming Convention held again conveniently 'last night' on the outskirts of Glasgow.

"When I play my game(s) of 'Drop', as it's affectionately known by you, my fellow attendees (and in the VAT/Tax fraud scene we might add, also known as to 'Drop the VAT/Tax Man!'), more often than not I win, it's as if the money drops down the hole, but somehow, amazingly, I can get my hands back on it again, I always seem to come up smelling of Rosies, erm Roses."

Top Cop Foils the Drop.

"And that was it" exclaimed Inspector Morse O'Liam of Scotlands Yard. "Thats when we knew to check 'Arry's account. The clue was in that speech, Rosies, not Roses"

Sure enough, there the money was, racking up interest alongside 'Arry's other deals on wheels.

Redknapp re-iterated his innocence to a packed press conference held outside his house, amazingly, later that night!
"I can't even read or write properly" said the man many were hoping to become England's next manager "I've no idea how much money is in that account" - "I've no idea how it got there, my accountant deals with that" repeated 'Arry, as his wife was spotted twisting a very large key inserted into his back.

Meanwhile back at Ibrox, the former player, legend, Question of Sport Captain, manager and all round superhero, Ally Mcoist, held a bullish presser
"We don't do walking away" One-Lined Mcoist, as he slipped into his exec car and sped off into the 'Snowy Glasgow' night. Many there were left wondering if they'll ever have chance to walk to anywhere that Rangers play again.

The case continues.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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