Newt Gingrich: New Affair

Funny story written by Caleb Betton

Monday, 20 February 2012


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image for Newt Gingrich: New Affair
Newt Gingrich's perfectly sculpted body (shown above) was too sexy for Paul's wife to resist.

Phoenix, Arizona- Local residents spotted GOP Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich courting Ron Paul's wife, Carol, at an upscale restaurant in Phoenix this past Friday evening. Given Newt's past marital problems, this will likely not bode well for his already-dwindling Presidential bid.

Several locals spotted Gingrich and Paul's wife making out and groping each other's thighs at the bar at an Applebee's on 44th Street.

When asked about what else happened after dinner, Gingrich replied, "I find it despicable that you guys in the left-wing media will look for anything to help Barack Obama win the election. If Ron Paul wants to talk about free markets, I think he would agree that his wife is a free enterprise."

Congressman Paul had been campaigning for 72 straight hours at local community colleges since Wednesday of that week.

"I don't think there is anything for me to be angry about. I am a candidate of peace and I don't believe in intervening in other people's personal lives, including the personal life of my lovely wife," Paul explained. "Plus, I have been impotent for decades, so I kind of understand why she did it."

Newt Gingrich is arguably the hottest politician ever, with the possible exception of Senator Harry Reid (D-NV). He has a beautiful white snowcap piece of hair on his head, a tantalizing beer-belly, and a high-pitched voice caused by excessive marijuana usage. These traits have been known to cause women to flock to Newt Gingrich for wild sex.

According to Carol Paul, Friday's 'fling' was not the first sexual encounter she has had with Gingrich. "We used to bang all the time back when my husband and Newt served in Congress together," said Carol. "It really turned me on that Newt was Speaker of the House and had so much power, while my pathetic husband was virtually unkown." This affair had died out for twenty-six years after Gingrich resigned as Speaker of the House. "When he won the South Carolina primary, I just had to have him again. I was so turned on," said Carol Paul.

Many of our reporters have attempted to question Newt's wife, Callista, but she is a bird, so she could not comment.

Neither congressman Paul nor former Speaker Gingrich will be dropping out of the race any time soon.

"If I let the leftist media have their way, Barack Hussein Obama will be President again, and I refuse to let that happen," Gingrich said. "I will also not end the affair unless Ron agrees to challenge me in three Lincoln-Douglas style debates with a time-keeper and no moderator."

"No. I will not debate Newt. What's the point?" Paul said in response to the challenge. "She's kind of beat anyway and it's not like I get aroused anymore anyway. I'm more worried about changing America's foreign policy and monetary policy."

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum was not asked to comment, but he did anyway.

"I think this is representative of a serious crisis I intend to address if I am President. Family values are the most important thing that we need to address in America. Forget jobs. Forget the economy. It's all about faithful marriages and having as many babies as possible. Everyone except my Christian brothers and sisters and myself are going straight to hell."

Carol tagged Newt Gingrich in forty pictures on her Facebook, but Newt swiftly untagged himself before we could get to them. It will be interesting to see how Gingrich responds to difficult questions regarding this recent affair in this Wednesday's debate which will air live on CNN at 8pm Eastern time.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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