Newt Gingrich - "I've Finally Cornered the Market in Turkey Heads"
Deluthions, GA. - Fresh off His six percent increase in the national poll numbers, Newt Gingrich giddily announced today that He has achieved His life long dream of cornering the turkey head market. "Ever since I was sixteen years old I've ha...
Read full storyWorthing Casanova, Alf Starling, Has An Early Night - Demi Moore, Goldie Hawn, And Jennifer Aniston Bitterly Disappointed
The showbiz universe was rocked to its very foundations this evening as revelations surfaced that Worthing based lothario and viagra addict, Alf Starling (Aged 104 today - Happy Birthday Alf!) had retired for an early night, after consuming what appe...
Read full storyFacebook's Real-Name Policy Being A Total Pain In The Ass To High School Football Hero
Plano, TX- "Facebook needs to get its 'real-name-only policy' s--- together," said high school senior Lee Taylor. Last week, the social network giant allegedly kicked the famous Plano High School football tailback and the school's all-time leading...
Read full storyBionic Lens Available In 10 Years
Scientists agree bionic lenses will be available in the next 10 years and commercial concerns are already queuing up to take advantage. Aside from the obvious applications the lens which fits over your eye offers: SatNav directions and assembly instructions, all beamed straight to the eye. Other ideas are now being suggested like: the one from Barnstable's 'Eye Eye Lovely' called an 'X-Ray Eye...
Read full storyNatalie Wood Death Focuses on Frank Sinatra Pic
Get ready Nancy Grace. Stephen Hawking just predicted the imminent extinction of the human race in a religious nuclear World War III unless we colonize space or travel in time and all of us are fixated on Natalie Wood's death on Thanksgiving weekend...
Read full storyBoehner - Super Committee Responsibilities to be Out-Sourced
Washington, DC - Speaker of the House John Boehner said today that owing to the Democrats "continued failure to see things our way" that all future debt reduction negotiations would be outsourced to other countries. Boehner said he hoped outsourc...
Read full storyMichelle booed by crowd at NASCAR who fart, belch, and scratch for an encore!
Sports Today Magazine published an editorial this morning that reads in part: Michelle booed by crowd at NASCAR who fart, belch, and scratch for an encore! "First of all, the editorial board of this magazine apologizes for what seems like very crude journalism. We did this on purpose. How else do you call out crude and indecent behavior? First of all, is NASCAR really a sport? There are ma...
Read full storyKebab takeaway on the menu for tonight's state banquet for Turkish President
London - 'Doner or shish?' will be the main course choice as President Abdullah Gul and his fetching wife dine with British royals at Buckingham Palace tonight. Apparently the Queen's chefs felt unable to rise to the exacting challenge of Turkish...
Read full storyPatients to be fitted with bionic lenses showing Health Secretary lying
Hospital patients are to be fitted with new bionic lenses which will project images of Health Secretary Andrew Lansley telling lies on a continuous loop. The lenses, which will allow wearers to read floating lies or view computer-generated images...
Read full storyParents of girls in 'moral abyss' advised to leave Essex
Parents of girls growing up in a "moral abyss" where being dressed in "mini-me" sexy clothing and wearing make-up is acceptable should make a bee-line for the M11 out of Essex at their earliest convenience, a schools leader has said. Girls School...
Read full storyTurkish President's 'wife caught on the hop with curlers and headscarf' at Horse Guards Parade spectacle
London - Three days of pomp and pageantry got off to a shaky start today at the Turkish presidential state visit opening ceremony. Representing the largely secular NATO ally the country's First Lady Mrs Hayrunnisa Gul stunned Brit officials with h...
Read full storyDowning Street cat caught up in second home scandal
David Cameron's cat has been implicated in a second homes scandal. Claims have been made that he has been seen sleeping in the window of number 11 whilst allegedly claiming to live at number 10 Downing Street. A witness at number 11, who wishes to re...
Read full storyPakistan Telecoms ban obscene words used by "texters", first banned word was Jesus!
Pakistan Telecom companies have drawn up a list of words that "texters" are not allowed to use. If the "texters" are caught using these words during texting in public they will be flogged in the main square and used as a example. The list contains...
Read full story'Media Must Pull Up Its Socks'
The Levelheaded inquiry into media misdemeanours have issued an interim statement: 'The Media Must Pull Up Its Socks'. The 'Sun' and 'Daily Mail' refused to print the statement as 'it had nothing to do with them' The word is that media self-reg...
Read full storyJohn Goodman To Star In "Oops - The Officer John 'Pepper Spray' Pike Story"
HOLLYWOOD - Lions Face Pictures in association with TouchRock Films has just announced that production will soon begin on the motion picture Oops - The Officer John "Pepper Spray' Pike Story. The movie will feature John Goodman in the starring rol...
Read full storyTop Executives Pay Shock
The Coalition is ready to act on the huge pay increases provided for top executives. Vince Cable announced that new measures were in the pipeline to deal with 'this outrage'. However, a delay in formulating legislation to proceed with the matte...
Read full storyNASA's Curiosity Rover will hunt for ancient Martian space base aperture
Pasadena, Ca - Is a secret alien-hunting agenda behind Saturday's launch of NASA's $2.5 billion Mars Science Laboratory? Astrophysicists at the Agency's Jet Convulsion Laboratory have always rubbished claims that the red planet is a hollow structu...
Read full storyColour blind? There's an app for that
The latest applelet from MyWay Apps is set to be a godsend to the fifteen percent of the world's population that suffers from anomalous trichromacy, or colour blindness. The app, iCanSeeClearlyNow, makes use of the iPhone 4's extraordinary camera...
Read full storySyrian president in talks with British rebels
As the British government brace themselves for yet more protests on the streets of London on the 30th November, Syrian President Assad is to send diplomats to Britain to formally open talks with the public sector opposition movement as international...
Read full storyOWS reaches North Pole
Protesters this morning braved freezing conditions as the Occupy Wall Street movement spread to the North Pole. Groups of elves were seen sitting and chanting anti-capitalist songs, while Santa Claus read from a prepared statement. "As the CEO...
Read full storyIntelligent Design demand science is taught in Religious Education
Science, the greatest construct ever created by man is to be taught in Religious Education classes across Texas. "We got fed up trying to get religion taught in science classes," said ID proponent, Michael Beye. "So we tried a different tack."...
Read full storyZac Efron argues against Mr. Lynn
Zac Efron held a news conference today, taking questions from reporters on Richard Lynn's conclusion that Asians have the highest IQ in the human race. Efron said he highly doubts Lynn's research data is correct after he read a news report about the...
Read full storyAirport Administrators That Implemented Nude X-Ray Machine Actually Porn Addicts
In the wake of the news that airports across the country will now be using machines that take nude photographs of passengers, x rays of a person's insides, and body cavity searches that are video taped, it has now been discovered that the administrat...
Read full storyGermany Taxes War Reparation Payments
In a move which has caused marginally less outrage than the 1939 invasion of Poland, the German government has announced its intention to tax compensation payments made to surviving ex-slave labourers, who were forced from their homes to work for the...
Read full storyNew Nottingham Restaurant hailed as 'innovative but suicidal' by the food press!
A made redundant 64 year-old local man, is to open a 'Olde World Specialist' restaurant in Nottingham. Owner Ivor Deathwish, explained his thinking and plans to our Food reporter Ulrika Garlic. "Well at first, I noticed the vast amount of bankr...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Denies That She Is Pregnant And Blames Her Weight Gain On A Huge Craving For Hot Dogs
LOS ANGELES - Christina Aguilera did not forget the words as she sang and danced on the American Music Awards Show. It is no secret that the singer has recently put on some extra pounds and Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors remarked that a ballpark figu...
Read full storyHow Grover Norquist Stole Christmas
Now the middle of classes were middler than most They had oodles of things on which they could boast. They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore. Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under The middle of classes was torn quite asunder. The greed of the 1% people with money Decided to steal all the milk and the honey. There'd be n...
Read full story