Life expectancy gap "must be reduced"

Funny story written by MonkeyInTheBath

Thursday, 9 June 2011

image for Life expectancy gap "must be reduced"
This poor Glaswegian woman might not even live long enough to see her own death from deep fried Mars bar poisoning

Independent think tank NICE (the National Institute for Compulsory Equality) have today released a report which reveals the shocking difference in life expectancy in different parts of the UK.

While inhabitants of Devon can expect to be venerable Methuselahs with a life expectancy of 87, people living in downtown Glasgow barely have time to finish their deep-fried Mars bars before dropping dead at the tender age of 78.

A spokesman from NICE said, "The average UK life expectancy is very good at about 84, which is typical for Western nations. But that is not important, because there is a huge inequality gap between regions!"

The NICE report suggests a plan to reduce this life expectancy gap, with a two-pronged approach.

Firstly, anyone dying before the age of 84 will be artificially kept alive in a vegetative state on a life support machine. Modern technology and artificial hearts can do this, and although the patients will be technically brain dead, they will remain alive in a sense.

Secondly, anyone living to the age of 85 will be slaughtered humanely in a manner of their choosing.

"Only by enacting these policies can we reduce the inequality gap. And there's nothing more important that reducing inequality."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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