The boy who was late down for breakfast
One day in Ramsden Hall School a boy getting ready for breakfast happened to be so slow that he arrived down half an hour late for breakfast, and as a result got clouted by Mr.Clay,a real bully of a teacher, and as a result had to go without his breakfast. This shows what a bully the teacher was, refusing to let the boy have his meal all because he was late. When the time came for the boy to...
Read full storyTom Flashman's schooldays
Once upon a time there was a big bully called Tom Flashman who attended Grove Park public school. He picked on boys for nothing. One boy, Sidney saucepan, got nabbed by the scruff of his neck and dragged along the corridor. Flashman then beat him up. "You lump of meat, shouted Flashman, I'll chuck you out of the window." The big then ran off. Sidney Saucepan saw stars. Soon...
Read full storyThe crowded dining room table
'At the Fishbourne Day Centre people were bunched close together at the dining room table at lunchtime. So tightly packed they were that whenever someone tucked into a bowl of soup it would then spill right onto the person sitting next to him. "You, you've ruined my trousers boy. "I can't help it, the table is so overcrowded" "See how you would like it if 'someone emptied soup all over yo...
Read full storyDay centre charges
Day Centre admission charges are to be introduced at Den Bundle Day Centre in Gants Hill. you will be asked to pay a fee of £100 per day just to attend. Not only that, dinner money is also to go up at this centre, rising from £5 to £50. Other charges to be introduced are a fee of 50p just to get a glass of water from the tap, and £3 just to make yourself a a cup of tea. You will also b...
Read full storyGoing on holiday
This story is about the holidays in Hayling Island. The route to Hayling island is along the A3, which passes the Devil's Punchbowl and the drinks that have to fill it, through Hindhead and Hindlegs. Next, we branch out onto the TX3 road, which takes you through the villages of Zington and Dudworth. Soon after we proceed along the road and come to Spoilton, a market town in Surrey. We...
Read full storyThe era of austerity
One day it was announced that everything would be rationed as there was a short supply of everything, making it a pipe dream even to buy toilet rolls and kitchen towel. Because of the grave rationing there was to be only one toilet roll for every 100 people. In fact you would be lucky if you got only one sheet of toilet paper, but even that wasn't enough so people found ingenious ways to mak...
Read full storyThe workstation
Once upon a time there stood a workshop by the side of a railway station platform. As soon as you got off the train, in front of you was a door that led straight from the platform. You went through this door and entered a factory, ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. If they did then he would send a big dog to fetch them and drag them back into the works...
Read full storyLocal Man Confused - First It Was The Mystery Blonde, Now It's The Mystery Black Bloke
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock found himself in a bit of a pickle, Sunday afternoon, as he surfed the interweb, looking for a suitable holiday destination for later in the year. It's no secret that Shuttlecock loves Italy, and prefers to visit cities, rather than resorts, his liking for architecture, museums, galleries, and pubs aplenty superceding any desire to loaf about like an arse on some b...
Read full storyFacial Recognition systems - closing the security loophole
With the increasing use of Facial Recognition to access computers, there is a move towards making them more secure. "Currently," said chief software developer at Facial Recognition Organisation Group, Freddie Kermit, "these systems are quite secur...
Read full storyAdolf Hitler's Bicycle Destroys Baker's Shop?
A bicycle that once belonged to the Nazi dictator, Adolf Hitler, has been discovered languishing in the back storeroom of a Viennese baker's shop. It is believed that the bicycle - a heavy, black-framed model of German manufacture, was used by Hit...
Read full storySecond Life Addiction Clinic
Psychologists have officially recognised Avatar Addiction as a psychological condition. "We initially spotted this among some of the more regular users of on-line three dimensional chat rooms like Second Life," said psychiatrist Mona Lotte. "Much...
Read full storyUniversal warming is latest threat to planet
Research conducted by NASA indicates the fear of Global Warming might be over-exaggerated, as the Earth radiates much more, and retains far less, heat than once thought. Scientists say the findings eat holes into the fears of the planet overheatin...
Read full storyWarners smokeside holiday villiage resort, Hayling Island
This is a holiday camp situated in Hayling Island, Hampshire. The holiday camp is well known for its open top chalets so sleepers could enjoy fresh air, but have to beware of birds flying overhead for they could poop all over you from above and straight into your chalet, with their droppings raining down on top of you as you sleep. Many a times people in these chalets have had to clear bird...
Read full storyThe powercut in Goodchild court
One day whilst a man was busy tidying up in the kitchen the lights suddenly went out. Not only the lights, but even the fridge felt the full brunt of the power failure, this meant that it had to be kept airtight because there wasn't any power to keep the fridge cold; even the freezer lost its power, to keep food completely frozen, and if power wasn't immediately restored all the food would rot...
Read full storyThe man who took his flat on holiday with him
Once upon a time it was decided that the time had come for the man to go on holiday, but he couldn't part with his flat so he thought up a plan, "Why not take your flat on holiday with you, for you could be on holiday and at home the same time. The next plan was to disconnect the flat from the rest of the block. The flat was unbolted from Axmayes Lodge and lowered down to the ground by cr...
Read full storyApple Inc. buy the White House!
Apple Inc, who have more financial clout than the US government have decided to assist Obama's ailing attempt to save the US from a financial meltdown by buying the White House! There are several conditions attached to the deal here they are: A) Apple Inc. boss, Steve Jobs, takes over as President and Obama becomes his personal chauffeur and shoe-shine boy; Obama's wife his personal maid and...
Read full storyCollections agencies blow up President's special phone
President Barack Obama was startled when his specially-issued, red smartphone rang Friday afternoon. He was even more startled when the person on the other line said they were from a collections agency. The special phone is the modern version of...
Read full storyConservatives Harshly Critical of "No Congress" Debt Solution from Obama
WASHINGTON, DC - Political analysts are debating the President's power under the 14th Amendment Public Debt clause "for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned." Can Obama permanently remove the GOP and Tea Part...
Read full storyApple to launch new app "iPoor"
Apple has announced the launch of a new "app" for its hot-selling laptops and tablets entitled "iPoor". iPoor will offer an integrated financial reporting system that will tell users just how poor they are and the list of reasons why they will always...
Read full storyRash of flying saucer-shaped wedding hats 'proves royals are all aliens'
Scotland - Their tin-foil linings aren't always visible to paparazzi lenses because of Palace deals aimed at stopping the Queen's relatives looking stoopid. But yesterday's Edinburgh turnout saw a new outbreak of daft UFO-shaped fascinators as Hou...
Read full storyCongressional approval rating lower than head lice in new public opinion poll!
The new Pew public opinion polls were released today and it is not good news for members of the US Congress. In a generic poll, numbers for both political parties were lower than the public opinion of head lice! "Not good news for the re-election pro...
Read full storyGaga burned in BBQ accident
Austin, Texas -- Lady Gaga was seriously singed in a barbecue mishap last night, apparently sparked by her famous meat dress, which caused a case of mistaken identity. "We thought she was the side of beef trying to escape from the pen," said Dilly...
Read full storyEngland Drawn With Poland In World Cup Qualifying Group
In an unprecedented move, the FA are expected to field a team of naturalised Poles to represent England in the upcoming World Cup qualifying round against Poland. The move comes as English born players, heavily criticised in the press for their ex...
Read full storyEU Ruling Spells the End of Free Petrol for Drivers!
Petrol service stations will have to comply with new EU regulations coming in next year requiring pumps to give out fuel to the exact pound and penny drivers want to put into their tanks. Drivers will have to tap in the exact amount they want to buy...
Read full storyWorrying Results for MPs in Recent Opinion Poll
A worrying fact has come to the attention of the Gazettes editorial team. Results analysed in a recent street poll, conducted by Alcoholics Anonymous, has revealed the following figures. To the question: "Who do you think should be leader of the Labour Party for the next general election?" 60% did not know the name of the current Labour leader. To the question: "What would you like for...
Read full storyQatar awarded the Winter Olympics
Qatar have added to their winning of the World Cup with a remarkable win of the 2022 Winter Olympics. "We believe that Qatar will offer a new and exciting Winter Olympics," said Jurgen Jorgensen, chairperson of the Winter Olympic Committee. "Curre...
Read full storyRetail Sucks.
There are a lot of crappy jobs out there, here however is a list of the absolute worst parts about working retail jobs: 1) Customers: They just bug the shit out of you. Really. Ninety percent are ok, but that small minority fuck it up for everyone else. 2) Co-workers: You HAVE to deal with these people day in and day out wether you like them or not, and oftentimes they're worse than the cus...
Read full storyAmerican Congress to Enter Twit of the Year Olympiad!!!
Congressmen and Congresswomen loaded on buses bound for Camp David, where they will all participate in the First Annual American Twit of the Year Olympiad. They were invited to the event after failing to raise the Debt Ceiling. Since then the U.S. Do...
Read full storyApple's Steve Jobs is new financial planner for the USA
An apple a day is suppose to keep the doctor away, but in this case, maybe it can keep the government from going belly up. The founder of Apple makes more money and has more money on hand than our very own government. Steve Jobs ability to run a com...
Read full storyNon-Hurricane Don Got His Butt Kicked By The Texas Heat Wave
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas - People in the Lone Star state coastal town of Corpus Christi, known as The Sparkling City By The Bay did not even bother going out To Home Depot or Lowe's and purchasing plywood to board up their windows. Lifelong Corpus Ch...
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