Written by Dirty Milk

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Once upon a time there stood a workshop by the side of a railway station platform. As soon as you got off the train, in front of you was a door that led straight from the platform. You went through this door and entered a factory, ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. If they did then he would send a big dog to fetch them and drag them back into the workshop. It's no joke, he could bite.

Because going to the toilet was forbidden during work hours people had to hold it up until they couldn't hold it up anymore, causing them to mess themselves. In fact a number of people did go to toilet in their trousers. This created such a stink that a few people dropped like flies, but the cruel boss wouldn't lift a finger to help, in fact he shouted at the fainted workers to get up and work, but how could they, they weren't conscious enough to do so. One of the managers saw everything the cruel boss was doing, so he had to intervene. He sneaked off to a shop and bought antibiotic air fresheners. Before you could know it the kindly manager walked in and sprayed the air with the penicillin air freshener to shut out the pong. The people who messed themselves had to wait until they got home, then they would chuck the stinking clothes into the washing machine.

Because of the risk of contamination from waste, buckets of disinfectant had to be poured into the washing machine, together with the soap powder and Calgon.

Now it's back to the cruel factory in a station.

The boss, Mr. Fred Dung, was a tyrant. He made workers work harder than hard and not only did he outlaw going to the toilet during work hours he also made sure that there was no lunch break.

When lunch came you had to work whilst you were busy eating.

Food was brought to the workshop and loaded into huge cannons that protruded from the ceiling. A trigger was pulled and the grub shot straight into peoples' mouths, a feeding machine in a cannon.

After eating you had to drink. Each drink was loaded into tanks and from these tanks the drink would go along a pipe and come out through a tap on the ceiling. The tap was turned on and the drink came out. People had to open their mouths and hold their heads up. The drink would then drop in their mouths straight from a drink tap on the ceiling.

The various jobs in this factory included making fish kettles' egg bottles sardine bags, plus Rin Tin Tin openers.

Here are the rules of this factory

1. You have to be in by 9.89 every morning

2. Rub ice cream into your trousers to make them really strong

3. Shave your hair with a blow lamp

4. Make sure that you have tomatoes in your shoes

5. Don't wear jackets they could harbour birds' nests

6. Use ear wax to polish your shoes

7. No laughing during work otherwise the boss would give you the cane

8. Don't wear shorts, your bare legs could contaminate the workshop causing dangerous germs to breed that could kill the other workers, even cause the lights on the ceiling to burst, showering the other workers with dangerous poisonous glass.

One man, Tom Legs, broke the rules and ended up in prison for two hours.

In the end one of the managers found out what the mad boss was getting up to and called the police. The boss got taken to prison for running a cruel regime in the factory.

A new boss took over, Mr. C.X Pong. He was also a strict boss, but his rules were different. Like his predecessor he also made sure that no one visited the toilet during work hours, but, 'to prevent soiling each worker had a slop bucket installed in his pants. At the end of the day the slop toilet would be emptied into the main toilet.

A new manager Mr. Rot, was appointed, and took charge of the workers.

One day the minister for Rotten Smells, William Zed paid a visit to this workstation factory and saw stink bomb toilet cleaners being manufactured.

Next on the line was the underwater secretary, Zelda Fishpaste. She came to see what the workers were up to.

The crimes carried out by the former boss were exposed.

Here are some of some of the rules he laid out.

1. Every person is obliged to shave his beard off with a blow lamp

2. Don't use the toilet or you'll get sent to prison

3. Always make sure that there are beans in your ears 'they will help you hear well.

4. Always carry a box with your teeth.

5. No laughing in workshop, if you do a man will come round and throw a bucket of lava over you.

6. No rucksacks allowed they could set the place alight.

Under the former boss's regime each worker had to undergo a harsh examination by a doctor. The doctor would get hold of a head opener and take the top of your head off to look at your brain, and if so take the brain out and put it into the washing machine. Once washed the brain would be returned to its owner. Once returned the top of the owner's head would be put back on. Once done the worker would have to have his feet vacuum cleaned so that the pong wouldn't spread throughout the whole factory and set off a deadly odour bringing dangerous germs throughout the place.

Another thing, because of the former boss's refusal to let anyone use the toilet during work hours even people with stomas weren't spared. They were forced to work even when their bags were overfilling. As a result their bags fell off causing a real mess by sliding down their trousers and hitting the floor and creating an awful smell, the sort of things that a boss like Fred Dung could get up to. Because of this one of the managers had to get a nurse to see to the workers with stomas whose bags fell off due to overfilling. The boss tried to chuck the nurse out but was stopped by an undercover policeman. The nurse put a screen round because the workers had to carry on working despite being attended to by the nurse otherwise they would land up in jail.

"You should report that brutal factory boss to the police said the nurse to the manager, fancy letting this happen, allowing people with stomas to continue working even whilst their bags were getting too full until they fell off. He not only allowed workers to work whilst their bags were too full said the nurse he even forced them to work, until their bags were so full that they fell off. Even after the bags did fall off the mad boss still made them work with the result that stools were running all the way down their trousers and onto the floor creating a terrible stink, it shows what a cruel wicked boss he is. I heard that his name is Fred Dung, he deserves that name because he is a cruel wicked brute, hope someone lynches him. He should not make people with stomas work even whilst their bags became so full that they dropped off sliding right down their trousers and onto the floor spilling the contents onto the floor."

The workers with stomas got cleaned up and continued to work.

This wasn't the only cruel trick carried out by the brutal boss. One day he went too far and forced a man to carry a car into the workshop. As a result his body burst open, but the boss made him work, even with an open wound, and in the end died.

The other cruel things dished out by the boss were allowing vicious dogs to patrol the factory in order to prevent anyone from going to the toilet during work hours. The dogs employed by Fred Dung were Rottweilers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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