Universal warming is latest threat to planet

Funny story written by Moustafa Rex

Sunday, 31 July 2011

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Research conducted by NASA indicates the fear of Global Warming might be over-exaggerated, as the Earth radiates much more, and retains far less, heat than once thought.

Scientists say the findings eat holes into the fears of the planet overheating and suffocating to death underneath a blanket of water-vapor clouds, as theorized by global-warming honks desperately trying to save the ozone layer.

Conservatives in the US Government celebrated the news at-first, as it reinforced the argument they've used to keep liberal lawmakers from going overboard with save-the-Earth legislation. That elation quickly turned to dismay, when one leading conservative made his own observation of the data.

"It's not our job to heat the entire universe," one Republican leader said. "This situation is the equivalent of the kids leaving the windows and front door open in the middle of winter. It's far more dire than global warming ever thought of being."

They claim if such energy waste continues, the world economy could come crashing to its knees. The issue is now the focus of Republicans in both the House and Senate.

Republicans are already trying to secure millions of dollars to research methods to better insulate the planet, and conserve the massive amounts of heat being reflected into space by an inferior atmosphere.

"We are in a recession and need to tighten our belts. We can't afford to heat our planet and the moon too," a spokesperson said. "We feel if the moon, or any other entity is going to benefit from our heat, then they should pay for it."

Republicans are not only looking at drafting legislation that would improve the planet's natural insulation, clouds, they are determined to take a world-leadership role in the movement.

"We can't sit here idly and let our heat escape," Senate Republicans said in a news release. "We need to turn down our thermostat and get better insulation to improve our efficiency as humans. Universal warming could potentially bankrupt the entire planet, and leave us in the cold, holding the bill."

Global warming activists have already issued reports thwarting NASA's data, claiming the Earth will overheat and die if societies continue on the current path.

"Trapping heat on our planet is exactly what we're trying to avoid," an environmentalist spokesperson said. "Apparently some don't realize that a planet that's 70-percent covered by water, is basically a giant mirror reflecting light and heat from the Sun into space."

Auto manufacturers, chemical producers, transportation industry representatives, oil and gas drillers, mining operations, hair spray distributors and others have already pledged financial support for any studies that might be needed by lawmakers taking on the issue.

"Everyone who has been opposed to our efforts to save the planet for financial reasons, is running to support advocates of stopping universal warming," Former Vice President, and noted environmentalist, Al Gore, said. "They literally have billions to work with now. Where were they when we were trying to save the Earth?"

An influx of industrial-company-backed lobbyists are en route to Washington D.C. to meet with lawmakers. A spokesperson for Dulles International Airport, in Washington, said it is impossible to get a flight into DC for at least the next week, as each incoming flight is booked solid.

"You can't even get a standby ticket," the spokesperson said. "I've never seen anything like it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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