Written by Dirty Milk

Sunday, 31 July 2011

This story is about the holidays in Hayling Island.

The route to Hayling island is along the A3, which passes the Devil's Punchbowl and the drinks that have to fill it, through Hindhead and Hindlegs.

Next, we branch out onto the TX3 road, which takes you through the villages of Zington and Dudworth.

Soon after we proceed along the road and come to Spoilton, a market town in Surrey.

We stop here for lunch in 'the Hairy Hounds' pub, in Manure Lane.

The pub has a rooftop car park with excellent views across the Surrey Moors.

As soon as we finish our lunch we all head off and get back onto the coach. We then leave Spoilton and continue our journey down the TX3 road, passing Appleton and Orangeworth, and past Dud's Farm, where there is a cows' road, a road in which cows are allowed to roam freely on, then passing a country pub where cows, sheep and goats are allowed.

The pub ' The Billy Goat' is owned by Trueboy's, and serve's custard beer and filthy lemon juice.

From the TX3 we branch off onto a dirt road made of horse manure, but, one thing, we all have to don gas masks to shut out the horrible stink coming from the manure dirt road in which the coach is travelling on, which can be hazardous in wet weather for the horse manure could suddenly shoot up from the road and hit the coach windows, splashing them all over.

Once we leave the stinky road we're all safe for we're now on the E45 road, the ideal road to be on when you have a rash all over your body.

The E45 takes you to Shavant, the town at the head of Hayling Island.

Once we cross the bridge we go along Smoker's Lane, past Dirty Face Farm and we take the road that brings us to Warner's Bighead Holiday Village.

There are load of chalets at this camp, such as The 'Pudding Face villas, a group of chalets where the door opens upwards.

There is a ceiling fixed television set in every one of these chalet suites, but in order to watch tv you have to lie on the floor as the set is on the ceiling, plus a diesel electric kettle and a shower by the side of your bed, plus a bed with a built in toilet, so if you're caught short you can then go to toilet without leaving your bed as the toilet is right inside your bed, tucked into the sheets. You then pull the chain which is right above your bed and the toilet in a bed gets flushed.

Once you have relieved yourself you then clean yourself up with a toilet brush.

Because each bed in the chalets has a built in toilet it has earned the nickname 'Stinky Bed'.

Some chalets are of the very lowest where you spend your holiday in the most primitive existence, just a soap box cart and nothing more, and a hole in the ground loo nearby where everybody can look as there's no privacy.

The entertainment in this holiday camp is provided by resident band 'Rotten Tomatoes'

'Rotten Tomatoes' are a pop group who are resident at this holiday camp and provide the cabaret every night.

Other bands who've appeared here are' The Tiny Little Underpants' and 'Grubby people.

There is a 'Dining Room'Tribute band called 'The Nasty Tasting Cereals, a band who play all the songs recorded by 'Dining Room, 'a five piece pop band.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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