Local Man Confused - First It Was The Mystery Blonde, Now It's The Mystery Black Bloke

Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 31 July 2011


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image for Local Man Confused - First It Was The Mystery Blonde, Now It's The Mystery Black Bloke
Not The Mystery Black Bloke - This Bloke's Hair's Too Long And His Shirt Isn't White.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock found himself in a bit of a pickle, Sunday afternoon, as he surfed the interweb, looking for a suitable holiday destination for later in the year.

It's no secret that Shuttlecock loves Italy, and prefers to visit cities, rather than resorts, his liking for architecture, museums, galleries, and pubs aplenty superceding any desire to loaf about like an arse on some beach.

So it came to pass that the Shuttlecocks were torn between Venice and Naples. Under normal circumstances, the choice would have been a no-brainer. Venice, the city of canals, gondolas, and romance, versus Napoli, the Camorra, the slums, the drug dealers, the garbage strikes...

But the problem for Shuttlecock was, that whilst Naples may be a crime ridden ghetto, it has much to offer. The city centre is well worth a visit, as is the harbour, and the Bay Of Naples, but there's also Pompei, the Vesuvius National Park, and the Isle of Capri, with the legendary Blue Grotto.

So, what to do?

Shuttlecock decided to explore the area with Google Earth, and happened upon the island of Ischia, 20km out to the west of Napoli, in the Tyrrhenian Sea.

Well, it looked pretty good from above, so Shuttlecock decided to get into Google street view - and found exactly what he was looking for. Typical Italian streets, restaurants, bars, cafes, a big fuck off castle, splendid sea views, cliffs, a harbour...and this mystery black bloke...

"It was weird about this black bloke," Shuttlecock explained. "It started off when I was looking at a hotel the wife had found a few miles down the coast from Ischia town. At first I thought nothing of it. It was just a black bloke with a closely cropped haircut wearing shades and a white shirt, walking down the street. But then he cropped up in another shot nearby. And then another. It was starting to get weird. He must have been following the Google van around, or vice-versa.

"So I moved several miles to the castle, at Ischia town, and fuck me! This black bloke was there again! And then I went to some park with a cinema in it and he was there again! This bloke must be everywhere on Ischia. He was even on the cliffs on the south coast! Bloody miles away!

"I hope he's still there when we go in October. I'll be able to shake his hand and tell him how famous he is on Google Maps street view, and about how he's become immortalised in a Spoof Magazine story. Then I'll buy him a pint and he can tell the wife and I stories about the Camorra and the code of Omerta.

"It's doing my head in this is, I can tell you. I mean, not long ago, people were all talking about that mystery blonde woman at the grand prix, and now we've got a mystery black bloke on Ischia.

"I mentioned this to a Bolivian dictator friend of mine, who recommended a Billy Wilder movie starring Jack Lemmon, called 'Avanti!' which was filmed on Ischia. I'm sure I've seen that movie. I wonder if the mystery black bloke's in it? He seems to be everywhere else...

"I think I'll have a few beers and go to bed. It's been a hectic day, and I'm even more tired and confused than usual."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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