Hideously Ugly Kate Middleton Coin Causes Massive Devaluation of the Pound
Britain's economic woes deepened today as the value of the pound sunk beneath .13 EUR. Currency watchers lay the blame at the feet of the Mint's new Royal Wedding coin, which appears to be inspired by a police mug shot. The coin, which stops loo...
Read full storyLocal Man Caught Up In Travel Chaos - Cancelled Christmas Train Almost Causes Severe Frostbite
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was today recovering at home following a harrowing ordeal as he prepared for the Christmas holiday from work by arranging for a colleague to drop him off at a station close to his workplace after his final day at work,...
Read full storySlow Cooked Christmas Dinner
Just over a day until Christmas and if you have been following out guide to 'Slow Cooked Christmas' you will by now be well on the way to being completely prepared for the day itself and the only thing that should be left to do for the Christmas meal is the gravy. Just to re-cap, the turkey egg that you placed in the 'Mega-Slow Cooker', on ultra low heat, in November 2009 should have by now hat...
Read full storyFollowing his success with The King's Speech Geoffrey Rush to literally teach Jamie Oliver to literally stop saying literally all the time
[LONDON, UK - LITERALLY:] OK, as far as celeb chefs go he's fair to middling bish-bosh. He's bold enough to substitute fat with exotic ethnic spices. And when he's not lisping and spitting into his chicken pates and terrines - he's actually quite...
Read full storySusan Boyle to sing at The Priory Clinic, London
Susan Boyle has accepted a recent invitation to sing at The Priory Clinic in London. Susan has agreed on one condition, that the Red Scarf Fanatics, residing there at present, are heavily sedated for the duration of her visit. The mini-concer...
Read full storyVince Cable: "I have a nuclear option, it's like fighting a war. They know I have nuclear weapons..."
HM Government, London: Following the revelation that Vince Cable is the 'nuclear option', Britain's independent nuclear deterrent will be upgraded next year, using Vince Cable's 'headless' war heads. Vince Cable, also known as the 'minute man', a...
Read full storyLeak Claims Heathrow's Christmas Failure Was On The Cards
In the wake of Heathrow Airport's shocking inability to handle the winter weather, a snitchy insider has claimed that those in charge of the laughing stock of the air travel industry were always going to show their incompetence and inability to deal...
Read full storyWas Mickey mouse bent?
After more than half a century if suppression by the film studio the facts are finally out. Poor old Minnie was starved of sex and had to make do with a whittled down clothes peg whilst Mickey was out on the town every night chasing the boys. And guess what? He had a thing going with Pluto. Kinda hard to imagine considering the difference in size, but where there's a will there's always a...
Read full story"Santa Doesn't Make Christmas Presents, Our Asian Relatives Do": Gosselin Brats Screw Up Christmas For Classmates:
They're just six-years-old, but the Gosselin kids are being bratty a--holes at a third or fourth grade level, after telling all of their classmates that Santa doesn't exists. "What f--king turds these kids are," said their school principal. "The (...
Read full storyKids Worldwide Learn The Truth: Santa Does Not Exist. By The Way; Spoiler Alert.
Since the dawn of time, scientists have tried to answer the question, "Does Santa come with flying reindeer to deliver presents at Christmas?" They have a conclusive answer. "Of course Santa doesn't exist, you idiotic children," said Dr. Francis Pharcellus Church of the Santa Is Bullsh-t Institute in Afghanistan. "What the f--k do you think?" 1. No known species of reindeer can fly, because...
Read full storyNatalie Portman and Mila Kunis Engage In Mutual Contemporaneous Cunnilingus.
If you've lived your life waiting for Padmé Amidala and Meg Griffin to sip each other's fuzzy cups, the 2010 movie "Dark Swan" answers thusly: So, whenever someone Googles... ..."Mutual Contemporaneous Cunnilingus", they're coming right to me. Tak...
Read full story95 year-old Granny in Australia blamed for Skype blackout!
The global Skype blackout has been caused by a ninety-five year old Granny in Australia attempting to contact her family in the UK, she pressed the wrong button and the whole system crashed. Millions of people attempting to contact their families...
Read full storyE-fit of masked suspects published in MI6 cryptographer case
London - (Smoke 'n' Mirrors): Was a Mediterranean-looking couple hunted in the Gareth Williams death probe 'disguised with clever latex masks'? A police e-fit issued this week shows a heavily camouflaged KGB pair who were caught on CCTV. To al...
Read full storyLouie Spence's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Effort Blasted By Charity Chief
The celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Christmas special has been mired in controversy following Louie Spence's failure to win a substantial sum for his chosen charity. EIF News & Features has acquired the tape of a telephone conversation...
Read full storyOn-Line Retailer News: A Message From The Dark Side Of Christmas
Every year, around this time, the idiot public rush around like headless turkey's, buying trinkets and knick-knacks for their loved ones, in a vain attempt to prove how much love they have for one another. This love, which is measured in monetary terms, and nothing else, is often left 'til the last moment. I run a very successful online shop, even if I do say so myself. And I just did, so th...
Read full storyOldest dog in the world discovered in Bangalore, India. He's really a Buddhist monk!
Bangalore Herald, Bangalore, India: An amazing discovery by an ex-pat Brit living in Bangalore has revealed that the oldest living dog on the planet is here and he's quite remarkable too. The ancient canine called Blacky is actually a Buddhist mon...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan To Accuser: "I Shirley Wasn't Drinking...Shirley Temples..."
LAX - Lindsay Lohan's Mom says her daughter has been taken totally out of context in an attempt to smear her daughter's reputation. "She saw her drinking a colorful looking drink and jumped to the conclusion it was alcohol, when in fact it was a s...
Read full storyLibDems in Turmoil
As the Christmas season approaches, last minute gifts are being purchased by the few friends of the Lib Dems remaining. Vince Cable has yearly subscriptions to the 'Daily Telegraph' and the 'Sun' from a well wisher in Wapping. Nick Clegg, just rec...
Read full storyExclusive Interview with J.K.Rowling
Rowling speaks out about being snubbed for Damehood. This exclusive interview was conducted in an underground bunker just outside of Stuttgart, Germany. Only one camera was allowed and J.K. Rowling's people insisted it be trained on the interviewee's feet throughout. It took place just prior to the release of the latest Harry Potter movie called "Harry Potter Show-Down in the Phonebox... with...
Read full storyMessage from the police: Don't Sneeze and Drive
Greater Manchester police chief, Superintendent Rudy Dancer, has a stark warning for motorists. "We're currently in the flu season," Prancer said at a press conference this morning. "During this period of the year we see an increase in the number...
Read full storySelena Gomez Refuses TSA "Pat Down" At LAX Airport
LOS ANGELES - Teen singing sensation Selena Gomez was at LAX Airport on her way to visit her grandmother who lives in Dime Box, Texas. The star of the Disney Channel's The Wizards of Waverly Place had gone through the airport's metal detector with...
Read full storyNew York Jets Coach Rex Ryan Denies That He Has A Foot Fetish - But Adds That He Does Have A Collection of Over 700 Bras
MANHATTAN - New York Jets football coach Rex Ryan was shopping in Macy's Department Store when he was asked by a reporter for The RumorMonger Revue Tabloid about his newly revealed foot fetish. Ryan turned three shades of shocking pink. He giggled...
Read full storyPresident Obama Says That He Is Not Against Gay Marriage But That He Is Against Bi-Racial Gay Marriage
TUCSON, Arizona- President Barack Obama was in Arizona, the "Pink" state so called in honor of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio. The president was speaking before an end-of-year convention of The Grand Imperial Order of The Knights of Th...
Read full storyGod sends notice - reveals who is going to heaven or hell
In an effort to prepare his people for the up coming 2012 end of the world, God is sending out cards letting people know where they are going after the event. The "save the date "cards where sent out yesterday to maximize planning time. "There...
Read full storyWiki-Leak documents released today reveal startling document
Santa, (AKA Chris Kringle) (AKA Saint Nicholas) has been informed by NATO that he and his sleigh have been grounded by request of the US Homeland Security Agency. The document stated that Santa has repeatedly ignored to respond to request for ins...
Read full storyBenny 'has no idea' about his Thought for the Day
Global conglomerate chief executive Eggs Benedict is apparently struggling to find words to fill the air time sopped to him as presenter of BBC's Thought for the Day. "His Roly Polyness iss uncertain how best to reach za British people," said hi...
Read full storyNude David Beckham To Join Hull City?
It's the question thousands of football fans all over East Yorkshire are asking each other this evening, after former naked Manchester United and England star David Beckham said that he needs to be actively playing football to regain his internationa...
Read full storyRafa Benitez And Roy Hodgson To 'Job-Swap'
Inter Milan have announced on their website in the last few minutes that their manager Rafa Benitez, and the current boss of Liverpool, Roy Hodgson, are to swap jobs from Monday. Benitez, who managed Liverpool until June, hasn't measured up to the...
Read full storyBalotelli: "Messi aint right"
Since revealing yeasterday that he thought Lionel Messi was the only player better than him in world football today, controversial Italian striker Marion Balotelli has spoken again of the Barcelona player. After a promotional photo shoot for tobac...
Read full storyPentagon Decrees That All Combat Warriors Must Squat To Pee
Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, in response to the question about whether straights would be ordered to use the same toilet facilities as gays and lesbians, under the threat of court martial, responded by saying that this controversial subject ha...
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