Written by birbee

Thursday, 23 December 2010

image for Slow Cooked Christmas Dinner
Non Slow-Cooked Shite.....

Just over a day until Christmas and if you have been following out guide to 'Slow Cooked Christmas' you will by now be well on the way to being completely prepared for the day itself and the only thing that should be left to do for the Christmas meal is the gravy.

Just to re-cap, the turkey egg that you placed in the 'Mega-Slow Cooker', on ultra low heat, in November 2009 should have by now hatched, died, de-feathered and be pretty much cooked to perfection. Another six hours and you can take it out to rest (not that it will be very tired, it's not really done anything for the last thirteen months).

The sprouts, in #2, should be somewhere near palatable, having been cooking since February, but if they are still a tad hard now is the time to turn the heat up to the maximum.

The roast potatoes, in slow cooker #3 since June and which was switched from Ultra-Slow to Super-Slow back in October, will need one final basting, bringing the total bastings to twelve (the same as the number of Days of Christmas).

The stack of three slow-cookers, numbers 4, 5 and 6, specially adapted with holes drilled in the upper two, will require checking to ensure the water in the lowest one has not steamed dry.
At this late stage it is best to top up with boiling water to ensure the temperature does not drop and ruin four months of slow-steaming.

The Yorkshire puddings in #7 should have almost risen, but remember: DO NOT LIFT THE LID. This is where you should have paid that little extra and got the optional glass lid.

There should be one slow cooker left idle, number 8, and this should have been switched on at midday today to allow it to warm through slightly.

Place three pints of water (3.7 litres) and some gravy powder (amount depends on how thick you like it) and give it a good old stir.

Place the lid on and switch the slow cooker onto a medium heat.

Place the cooker onto your washing machine and put a load of clothes onto wash.

The vibration of the washing machine will help to stop the gravy from getting lumpy however you will have to either choose a very long spin cycle or wash lots of clothes.

By lunchtime tomorrow you will have the ultimate Christmas Dinner, enjoy......

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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